Sometime days run into weeks and leave little time for reflection, but recently I have had some conversations with dear friends that made me feel very grounded. I have been feeling a lot of peace recently - I think being off of Facebook has played a part in that, but I also see God's hand at work.
It is easy to assume he is not hearing my prayers when I sit here not pregnant, but as I talked about the peace I am feeling and the contentment that I seem to have found I realised that God has answered the cries of my heart. In the deepest places, my prayers for peace and rest have been answered. My circumstances have not changed but my heart has.
I had my pity party days for sure, but when I look back over that past year or so I can see a pattern emerge. On days when I wake up sad and confused I have a choice. I can ask God for strength and I can get up and out of bed, get my butt (and the rest of me) in the shower and embrace the day, or I can sit and stew in my hopelessness.
On days when I let the darkness win, other peoples joy is irritating. I become judgmental of my friends who are parents and I criticise. I become bitter about all the things I do not have and mad at others who seem to have it all. All the ugly in me comes out and I just get sadder and sadder as I give in to the yuckiness.
But on the days when I chose to get up and to shake off the shadows, when I fight to find the beauty of the day. I talk to God. I feel the love surrounding me. I laugh more. I can have moments of sadness, but it does not consume me. And many days I do not have sadness at all. On days when I walk in the light I feel God with me. And on days like today I can reflect back and recognise the way God has been moving in my heart.
I do not feel like God has given us a promise of how we will become parents. And I do not believe He has given us a shove in a specific direction, but I have peace. For the first time in a while I know God is walking with me. I mean, I have known from His word that he has been here the whole time, but as I have kept my distance from him it has been harder to feel it. As I am taking my walls down, He is quick to make his presence known. I truly believe that which ever path he sets us on towards parenthood we would be open to it but at the same time I do not feel that some pressure to move anywhere right now.
I do not feel like I am competing to get a baby before they are all gone...that might sound crazy, but I know that my fear has been the fuel behind some of the craziness we have gone trough this year - and fear is not a driving force that gets you anywhere good.
I am thankful and blessed to have friend who have walked so gently with me and who can see God's hand at work even before I can put word to how I am feeling. I am thankful for a God who stays constant and faithful even when my heart wanders. I love that God's plan in good and perfect and eve though that truth has felt distant for a long time it is starting to feel real in my life again.
I have no idea what the future holds, but instead of fear and anxiety I am feeling some excitement and anticipation building...we'll see where this takes us!