The events of this week, the waiting and the hopeless feelings that accompany every failed cycle are tough. My thoughts are more filled with baby stuff than at other times of the month. My tears spring forth with much less prompting and while our hope is still there sometimes I just need to cry it out (So sue me). Last night I did just that. We had gone to a BBQ for some friends who were visiting from overseas. When we arrived, we were greeted with her prominent belly and their excitement to be welcoming twins later this year. Of course, this is exciting news, it is exciting, but it is also like a knife in the heart as we digest our own disappointment.
This month had been wonderfully un-terrible and in comparison with many, many previous months it still holds that reputation but last night tipped me over the emotional edge and had to blink back tears a few different times. At the BBQ I chatted to friends, laughed, ate burgers and moved past the threatened tears to have a really nice evening, but when we got home my tears finally showed up and made a home on my hubby's strong shoulder.
My hope is still strong but sometimes that is what makes the waiting so much harder. I truly believe that God has something amazing in store for us as He grows our family but it seems to be much harder to be patient when there is a promise of something wonderful.
I continue to try and embrace the blend of emotions that make life full and beautiful. I rest in the peace of Jesus and try to manage the fear of my own humanity, hoping that In Him I can find the strength to be present in all the moments of my life as we wait.
We fight to be known, and to be transparent. We desire to walk this road honestly. It's not all rosy all the time. The truth of finding peace is real but tears will still find me. The peace does not eliminate our desire to be parents or take the pain of loss away but it does give us what we need to find purpose in our days outside of our longing for a baby. I am ready for this week to be over.