Wednesday, October 12, 2011


If you read my post from Tuesday you might have seen a melt down coming. I guess as I re-read my words, I can hear the anxiety and pressure mounting in my own voice. About 20 minutes after I posted it the dam broke and I collapsed into a heap of tears.
The tipping point came when I mentioned our missing paperwork for the tenth time in two minutes and my lovely hubby told me, in a very calm way, "We'll have to just wait and see if it turns up there is nothing we can do about it."

I mean, how dare he try and comfort me. How dare he try and share this burden, what a jerk! He even made dinner for us, seriously what did I do to deserve someone like this?

Ok, kidding over, what did I do to deserve someone like this? He is my true partner in life. I know I am blessed, even when my tired puffy eyes are swollen shut and can't see it.

My new school schedule and especially the added class load were weighing me down. I have to, once again, realise that my school commitments mean I cannot do everything I used to. And admitting I need some help around the house to keep up with laundry and dishes (oh, yes our dishwasher also just died, following behind our fridge - trust me, I KNOW!)

Somewhere in me I feel that because we are not building our family in the conventional way, and have no 'easy' options to have a child we should be cut some slack as we try and make this happen. I know that is not the truth of the Christian life. And I am trying to stay faithful in my thoughts surrounding our adoption and not let fear or sorrow overwhelm me.

It was our monthly foster/adoption meeting at our church last night a (we headed out after my meltdown)The topic we learned about and discussed was the grief and loss surrounding adoption. It couldn't have been timed better as I recognised my melt down was another piece of my own grief. "It shouldn't be like this, we shouldn't have all this stress and paperwork and forms and medicals just to be parents." And that is something I am still grieving.

But this process, including the paperwork is where we are at. This is our story. Some days it is easier to embrace.

I know that my fear over all the "if's" of adoption had been building. In recent months, I know we have felt the Lord guiding our hearts towards adoption but I feel as though my prayers asking for things have lessened. After our losses, I stopped asking for the deepest things of my heart. My prayers had not been answered in the way I wanted, and God's willingness to give us the desires of our heart felt far away.

And then our papers went missing. I was angry, and felt alone. I wanted to ask God to find them, but for days I just worried about them, fingers crossed they'd show up.

Then I caught myself. Why haven't I asked? And suddenly and overwhelming sense of peace came. I just knew the papers would turn up. So I prayed and I asked others to pray and this morning I received an email from our case worker that she had them and everything could go ahead as planned with our interviews. I am so thankful. This answer to prayer was exactly what I needed. We are not alone in this process. We are not alone in our grief, and God is a God of miracles.

If I can see his hand in finding missing a missing envelope, I know we can trust him in our bigger requests; in the situations surrounding and affecting our child.

Thank you for praying with us.


  1. I was just doing the dishes by hand (I feel you on the no dishwasher thing--it gets tiring!) and remembered your request for prayer and said a prayer for you, Jeremy and your paperwork. So, it was awesome to see this post just about a half hour after I prayed for you! Love you friend!

  2. I am so glad that the paperwork was found. I am sorry so many things seem to be going wrong at once. It is really hard to deal with all of that with everything else you have going on.

  3. God is with you every step of the way. Little things will happen to show you he is there. Also when going trough trial is when we need him most and are closest to him. He has a plan. Just waiting for the plan to unfold is hard....

  4. As the frustration continues to hit you guys, you just keep digging your roots deeper into the generous, healthy, fruitful soil of God and it's going to make an amazingly strong family tree for you guys.

  5. amazing! I agree, the grief/frustration over this journey can come through in several ways, at such unexpected times. Even though I have ALWAYS had it in my heart to adopt (God was preparing me) I can still get SOOOOOO frustrated over the parts of the process. The parts that don't seem fair for me, the parts that don't seem fair for the birth parents. I was SO anxious about our paperwork being lost I paid $14 to have it shipped with a signature required, then I felt silly when I thought about paying $14 for it to go 10 miles>>> I could have drove it there I definitely feel your pain!




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