I have been thinking a lot about babies the past few days. I suppose I have been wondering more than thinking; what will our child look like? Will we be able to comfort him when he cries? What will be be for his first Halloween? Will he like to snuggle? Will he think we're funny?!
These thoughts have been a balm to my spirit. My face is smiling. I can't help it. I am already in love. How is that possible? I don't know, but I know that I am. I am not sure if I would feel this attached if we had not gone through miscarriages and faced the reality of very much having this child with me, but whatever the case, I am completely attached, and in love with our baby. The one that we are yet to hold, but that is very much growing in my heart even if he's not growing in my belly.
It is not an accident that all of my wonderings have a powder blue cloud behind them. I am in love with a baby boy. I believe with my whole heart that the first baby I carried and lost was a boy. I feel as though there is a boy shaped hole in our family, and in my heart.
While we have no guarantees about the gender of the baby we will adopt, I confess it will take some adjustment if we discover we will be having a girl. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have a girl, I cannot wait to read about 'Fancy Nancy' play with crafts and let's be honest, who wouldn't be excited to dress a teeny baby girl?! I can get so excited about all things girly. And I believe one day I will have a daughter, but whenever I start to consider our adoption I always see us bringing home a baby boy. That somehow adoption will complete this circle between us and our son.
Of course our God is a God of mystery and His perfect plan may have us bring home a daughter first, and we would be overwhelmed with gratitude and joy if that were the case, but I just wonder of the little blue thoughts I have been having are not just missing something from the past but also a glimpse of our future? I guess only time will tell.
Honestly, on this grey and gloomy day we have accomplished little. Jeremy is sick and has been on the couch all day poor thing. So I have been catching up on homework and playing nurse maid! I was working on our profile book and we started reminiscing and then talking about the future. Sharing hopes and anticipation about what the year ahead may hold. We both got a little giddy as we imagined our little family growing :)
Lord, I know that you know how this story ends. Please give us endurance as we complete this adoption process and begin our official wait. I feel like we have been waiting forever already. Please help me to be patient and find beauty and joy in the waiting. Prepare our hearts to parent the child you will bring to us, and please be with that child and their birth parents as they journey this hard and courageous road.