Every experience God give us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see - Corrie ten Boom
I have been thinking hard about that quote today, in light of the reality that our fifth pregnancy is ending in miscarriage as I write.
I stopped charting months ago, and Jeremy was away on business a lot this month so I have no idea how it even happened, but happen it did. I had been feeling a little strange, but written it of as stress or the start of getting a bug or something. But then I felt a twinge and realised it had been a while since my period has shown its face so I took a test. Honestly I took it to get the possibility out of my head, but low and behold two lines appeared. Pregnant.
Now, that wasn't in the plan.
Jeremy and I both took the news like we had found 25 cents in the cushion cover. It's a pleasant surprise but it's not like it's going to change your life or anything. We got on with life, without expectations that this would end differently than any of our other experiences. We would have been thrilled if it had turned out to be different but we were not ready to grab hold of that possibility so soon.
When the waves of cramping and the spotting started I not only wasn't surprised, I felt some sort of comfort from the predictability. I felt inconvenienced because of a french test tomorrow, and other plans which may now have to be postponed while the physical consequences come to pass. I shed a few tears, but they only appeared when I told Jeremy what was going on and I know that they were more about the pain and discomfort coming my way, they were not attached to a life that for a few weeks may have been growing inside me. They were tears for me, so I feel a little fraudulent even posting about this because while in the past this was devastating news to share, this time feels really different. It is a part of our journey, so it's worth mentioning but I doubt I will be logging this date in any journal to remember in the years to come.
I had forgotten what some of this felt like. I had moved away from the world of peeing on sticks and counting cycle days, and on into the world of writing profiles and waiting to be matched. I am so confused.
In the midst of all this we have had our individual interviews for our adoption, and our home study will be happening on Monday. I can't seem to get my mind to be in both places at once. I can be happy for the adoption and be fully in this process, heart and soul and yet, I can't seem to find the grief that I know should come with this loss. Perhaps it won't come. Perhaps this is just our kiddo stopping by to say hi because he missed us. I missed him too, and I suppose that this loss feels more like an "I'll see you later, mum."
We just got back from south Seattle where I had to go for my biometrics for my green card. More fingerprints - just more high tech ones. Now I am home, and my thoughts turn to revising and preparing for the french test mentioned earlier and then to making the house pretty for Monday's visit by our caseworker, and then way down the list, and quite possibly only making the top 5 because of the physical reminder is this miscarriage.
Strange but true.
While I do not for one minute believe that this loss is a part of God's plan for my life, I can trust that because he allowed it to happen it is preparing us for the story he is writing in our future. What a joy to have trust in a heavenly father who loves us, and wants good things for his children.
It is well with my soul.