Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been fairly normal so far. I did let Jeremy convince me not to go to my early yoga class this morning but I got up and out to attend my pre-test study session and then was able to take my french test. I feel thankful that most of the intense physical stuff took place last night so I have not been that uncomfortable today. While it certainly took effort to focus on conjugating french verbs, it was also a welcome distraction!
I think that being obedient in what God was asking of me in this season has been fruitful in easing us through this; taking classes on campus, moving forward with adoption, making marriage a priority to name a few.
I can see that our previous losses happened when my life was pretty empty. I wasn't feeling like I had much purpose or structure to my days. So getting pregnant, being pregnant and ultimately losing pregnancies became a focus. Everything got a little distorted. I am not saying that I wouldn't have walked through grief if I had been busier but I think it may not have consumed me in the way it did.
I don't want to just forget, or just move on, but I do want to continue to find life in my days. This afternoon I spent time with the family I lived with before I got married and found such comfort from being in the house I called home with the people who were my family. The kids showed me halloween costumes and told stories of their days and I was able to be genuinely thankful and happy to be with them.
We went to the harvest party at church which was insane but so fun, and saw so many friends from many different areas of life plus their kids dressed up in the cutest outfits. And yes, the thought crossed my mind, "what would I dress my son/daughter up as?" but it was answered - no, I am not telling you, wait until the first Halloween we are parents and you'll see for yourself - but then I moved on and caught up with friends, made crafts, watched the kids on the inflatable slides and smelled the glorious fresh kettle corn popping away. Man, kids are so lucky!!
So that was my day, which will end with having dinner with Jeremy's cousin. Fun!
Yes, this pregnancy is over, but our life and our dreams of family are not gone. They are ever more vibrant in fact. We trust that this is truly God's preparation for us and we are right in the center of his will. My devotional this morning included this verse, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God". Deuteronomy 29:29 Beautiful.