It's been a good day.
Better than good actually. It's been one of those days when life works. When you are the person you want to be. I am so thankful for a renewed sense of self and of the beauty of life. But this truth does not come without understanding that life can have pain and tragedy too. We recently found out that good friends of our lost their long hoped for baby in the second trimester. It has been hard to find beauty in life since that news. I have been crying out to God on their behalf, asking for his comfort and peace to be with them and his HOPE to flood their hearts, and while I believe he is steadfast and present with them it doesn't erase the reality of what happened and how theirs lives are forever changed.
The message on Sunday at church was from the Psalms of Ascent. The psalms which were written to help God's chosen people on their journey towards holiness. Pastor Richard spoke about the journey of life and how we cannot fully enter our journey of faith, or the abundant life which awaits without first leaving something else behind. It's a journey that takes us to mountain tops but we have to do the hard work of taking each step. One step at a time
He spoke about how we have a guide for every step along our path but that on our journey we must be willing to fail. Along the way there will be times that we take a step and we screw up royally. Grace abounds to us in those moments but we have to choose to dust ourselves off and try again. We have to refuse to sit in the fall out of our failure, getting comfortable with where we are today. Making life work for us. Adapting, managing sin instead of overcoming.
I know that sometimes I feel as though it's too much effort to get back fully on the path. Climbing this mountain of faith. Its easier to put of the TV, enjoying a big bowl of ice cream, aware of what I should be doing, but drowning out the Holy Spirit with extra chocolate sauce and some HGTV.
I am tired of feeling like the path ahead is calling but that I am refusing it. I want so much to put my shoes back on and get out there, but I allow comfort and fear to keep me right there on the couch more times than I would like to admit. I know that when I look back on my life, I will deeply grieve the time lost to comfort and fear.
Today was an opportunity to take a step. And step I did. I walked around the lake by our house, something I have wanted to do regularly since we moved here. I made a delicious dinner for us tonight because I had quiet and time to look through the cupboards and fridge to find ingredients. I did laundry, I cleaned bathrooms both of which have been on my mind to do for days but I haven't made time to just do it, because it wasn't as "comfortable" as what I was doing. I focused on homework assignments and handed in work that I feel proud of. I even did some assignments ahead of time. I was walking up my mountain towards the life that God is calling me to. Small things true, but knowing God in all of them. Present and joyful.
In the midst of our own journey to having a family, fear and comfort became addictive. They became a way I coped with the miscarriages, especially. It kept me safe because the feeling of loss was too much to bear. The heartache to much. I was fearful it wold overwhelm me, fearful that God couldn't pick up the pieces of my heart, so I had better tape them together as much as I could on my own. It was better than nothing.
He pursued me constantly through the dark days and when we released even just a little of the fear to Him he laid out the path of adoption before us. And we ran. We shook off the past, and adapted to the next steps, but it wasn't too long before the comfort was drawing me back in. Adoption was scary. And honestly the fear of what could go wrong was painful. The doubt put me right back on the couch, afraid to move, wanting life to just happen so I could deal with the process later. And then pregnancy made getting off the couch near impossible. The fear of what could happen was on my mind 24/7 because my body was a constant reminder.
I feel as though I have been happy to take baby steps. I have been content to live halfway but I do not want fear and comfort to decide my life anymore. I want to be an example to our son of someone who is on a wild journey with the Lord. Not held back. Not content to settle. Passionately in love, moved to action.
As I pray for our friends I am more and more aware that in life there is pain on the journey. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I have to live fully today. One step further up the mountain. Trusting that the view from the top makes it worth it, and that the person i get to become on the journey bring more freedom and life than I ever expected.