Go away, I hate everything

Not really, but I confess my attitude has seen better days.

I am getting pretty sick of hearing about how other people's babies are arriving early, seems everyone in the world is having a baby before me - due dates be damned. It's hard to have any sort of reasonable perspective at this stage in pregnancy but I am trying. I am hoping these less than gentle blogs help me to remember and empathize with other women in this position in the future.

I want to be the child that stamps her feet and shakes her head and screams, "it's not fair"!!!!
In fact, in my heart that is exactly who I have been.

Thankfully God's grace is there to cover me even in the middle of my tantrum. Because let's look at this big picture-wise. I am huge and pregnant with a baby. A miracle boy who is a gift from God. Something we were not sure would ever happen. An answer to prayer in the most awesome way. Even if I have another week of pregnancy, that's still just 7 more days.

Big picture is that we are having a son. We have way bigger things to fill our hearts and minds with as we prepare to meet him, than just when he will get here. Once he is here we have the huge responsibility of raising him.

This morning was our second non-stress test at the hospital. Baby was quite happy in there, good strong heartbeat and still moving like he is the size of a 30 week old bubba and not a fully grown 41 week one! That was the good news. The bad or disappointing news was that (get ready, for some talk about girlie parts - avert your eyes if you are squeamish) My cervix is still way up there, tipped back and closed. There might even be a padlock still on it. My OB met us at the hospital and was very apologetic on behalf of my clearly uncooperative lady parts which was nice, but obviously there is nothing she could do. I am not suspicious that she has been in cahoots with them to be this way - she would have been happy to deliver our baby today.

She decided to try inserting a teeny little pill close to the offending cervix in the hopes to trigger some contractions and get things moving. I had to stay attached to monitors for a couple of hours after to make sure baby and me were doing ok which I did and then we were sent home to wait. If it is going to do anything it should happen in the next couple of hours so we'll see if things ramp up. I am definitely noticing the contractions more in terms of tightness but no pain so far.

I guess at this point I am not very hopeful it's going to make a difference. My sense is that this kid is not going to come any time soon without some serious persuasion. But boy, this is one of very few times in my life where I would love to be proved wrong.

We go back for another NST and fluid level check on Sunday and assuming all is well, we would come back Monday night for another round of talking nicely to my cervix and trying to convince it to open, depending how that goes we would either stay overnight as the induction progressed or come back Tuesday morning to kick him out. For real. There is an end in sight!

In distracting news, I will be joining Jeremy on a trip he has to take for work to Florida this fall, and we just booked tickets. At least i will have a baby by then, right?! Thinking about flying out of gloomy Seattle for Florida's sunshine makes me happy - I am hating everything less already.