I am typing this to the rhythm of the breast pump which I am currently hooked up to. I feel a certain affinity for cows having been strapped to this thing.
I wanted to capture this moment in time, this season of fantasy becomming reality. Motherhood. A reality I have wanted for so many years. I am a fairly organised person, but baby brain makes pregnancy brain look like a Mensa candidate. Add to that sleep deprivation, post-partum hormone surges and c-section recovery and these first 11 days have been far from a picnic.
My diaper bag has become my nemesis. Every time I leave the house I am confident that I have loaded it to get me out of any emergency situation I may find myself in. But so far it has only caused disappointment and frustration when I realise that the one item I need is nowhere to be found. Inconsolable baby - no pacifier; blow out - no spare outfit; you get the idea. And how did I cope with the lack of said items? I cried of course. Balled like a baby...sometimes with the baby. I felt like I failed. Like I was never going to be able to do this mother thing well if I couldn't even remember to bring the basics to care for my child.
The reality that my schedule is no longer my own in another hard adjustment. I love my son, but I feel as tough I birthed a teenager; he like to party all night and sleep all day. I am trying to be good and nap when Levi naps but that really is easier said than done. Mostly because he like to sleep when he is moving, so when I am taking a walk or we are driving somewhere, that's great, but not optimal for us napping. When he does nap at home, I confess I often take the opportunity to shower. I guess it's only one peg down the list from sleeping, but I figure if I have to be awake, at least I can keep my hygiene levels at a socially appropriate level.
So that said, I unhooked myself from the pump and baby is still sleeping so I am off to try and get a few minutes shut eye before he wakes.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative, there are many many wonderful moments too but I feel as though I will remember those without too much trouble. I just want to remember that it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns in these early days. I know it is early days, lots of adjustments, and perhaps my own expectations are what is really killing me. More lessons in surrender coming fast and furious in all the newness.
One thing I have no doubt about however, I love my boy and he knows it.