Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I am typing this to the rhythm of the breast pump which I am currently hooked up to. I feel a certain affinity for cows having been strapped to this thing.
I wanted to capture this moment in time, this season of fantasy becomming reality. Motherhood. A reality I have wanted for so many years. I am a fairly organised person, but baby brain makes pregnancy brain look like a Mensa candidate. Add to that sleep deprivation, post-partum hormone surges and c-section recovery and these first 11 days have been far from a picnic.

My diaper bag has become my nemesis. Every time I leave the house I am confident that I have loaded it to get me out of any emergency situation I may find myself in. But so far it has only caused disappointment and frustration when I realise that the one item I need is nowhere to be found. Inconsolable baby - no pacifier; blow out - no spare outfit; you get the idea. And how did I cope with the lack of said items? I cried of course. Balled like a baby...sometimes with the baby. I felt like I failed. Like I was never going to be able to do this mother thing well if I couldn't even remember to bring the basics to care for my child.

The reality that my schedule is no longer my own in another hard adjustment. I love my son, but I feel as tough I birthed a teenager; he like to party all night and sleep all day. I am trying to be good and nap when Levi naps but that really is easier said than done. Mostly because he like to sleep when he is moving, so when I am taking a walk or we are driving somewhere, that's great, but not optimal for us napping. When he does nap at home, I confess I often take the opportunity to shower. I guess it's only one peg down the list from sleeping, but I figure if I have to be awake, at least I can keep my hygiene levels at a socially appropriate level.

So that said, I unhooked myself from the pump and baby is still sleeping so I am off to try and get a few minutes shut eye before he wakes.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative, there are many many wonderful moments too but I feel as though I will remember those without too much trouble. I just want to remember that it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns in these early days. I know it is early days, lots of adjustments, and perhaps my own expectations are what is really killing me. More lessons in surrender coming fast and furious in all the newness.

One thing I have no doubt about however, I love my boy and he knows it.


  1. Hi! I just wrote a post, similar to yours actually. The past month has been challenging for me as well. Hang in there mama! By 3mos things will be much easier!

  2. Oh Chrissie! I feel your pain SOOO very well!!! My daughter is 10 months and it's still hard at times. But i can say with all the certainty that after the first, first and a half month it gets easier. He gets that people sleep at night and starts doing more or less the same thing, you get a bit better at the diaper bag magic. you get used to things, i guess. :)
    Hang in there! Make J help as much as he can!

  3. I've known a lot of moms that even when it's their forth child it takes them a while to get into a routine with baby. Forgetting things, remembering things at the wrong time, sleep schedules a mess.... Things will get better!! I love that you've taken the time to capture this moment in such loving words that so many can relate to. =)

  4. It gets easier. It really does. As infertiles who finally have a baby, we feel like we HAVE to enjoy and be happy about every moment, that we should not feel tired or angry because we asked for this. But you have to remember, it is still motherhood, and motherhood is as hard as it is fun.
    I hear you on the pumping - I've been a cow for 10 months straight. Mooo. Hugs to you, and like an earlier poster said, by 3 months, it gets better. Hang in there.



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