Still surreal

Written January 6th 2011

Yesterday we went for our 10 week scan, the baby is measuring well, a few days behind, but I am told that is totally normal. We got to see him wriggling around even more and his little arms and legs were much clearer. (I am saying his because I don't want to say "it's" but God is still the only one who knows baby's gender)

I can't wait for week 13 when we officially announce and I can finally post up all these entries which have been sitting in my drafts folder for weeks and weeks! I haven't been as quiet as it may have seemed!

I am starting to really have trouble doing up my pants. Until this week I have been pretty much able to do up my jeans when I am walking around and just undone them when I am sitting but the pouch gained a little gumption recently and refuses to be tamed by the button on my jeans anymore. I found something online called a 'Belly band' which means I can wear my jeans undone without being socially inappropriate! The band goes over the whole area so regular pants can be worn further into pregnancy pushing off the need for actual maternity clothes for a little while. I am not sure how long the band will give me in my regular clothes, but I am told I shouldn't be getting a real baby belly for a little while yet. It certainly is at the point where at certain times of the day I have quite the bump and then at other times there is barely a hint of one. Below my belly button feels much firmer to the touch. I guess there really is something growing in there.

I am still feeling pretty disconnected from the baby, but very to the pregnancy. I know it is self protection, and I have promised myself once we hit (God willing, if we hit) 13 weeks I will let myself get excited and stop feeling like a fraud. I know its happening on an intellectual level, but it is still too surreal to actually think through where this might lead. I am not sure if it is more scary to think this could work than to think it may not at this point. For so long I was so focussed on getting and staying pregnant, I never really thought ahead to actually being pregnant.

That is a new reality, and one which I am holding off embracing for a few more weeks. For now I am happy in the limbo life. Well, not happy, but comfortable! Once we have told our secret and other people know what's going on, I won't be able to live in this place so I am making it home for the next couple of weeks, knowing I can't stay forever. It makes this time a little more sweet.

This weekend we are telling a few of our closest friends, people we want to tell in person. I know that will help me to start mentally packing to get ready to move out of this limbo land. Plus, I can't wait to share our joy and hope with them and the more people praying for our little bean the better!

Now it would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that today has been the worst sickness day in a while. I had to miss class this morning because I felt so sick, and all day I have felt nauseous and exhausted. I am not complaining, but I think it deserves a mention, if only to make me super grateful for the days when I haven't felt that way - and hopefully for the days ahead when these moments will be gone. I hear that soon my hormones will be evening out and my body will begin to feel more human and predictable again. That may be an overstatement. I will have a growing belly and I am sure a million other strange pregnancy consequences, but I hear rumors of starting to glow very soon. I need to keep that end in sight. Bring on the glow, right now, I am not even dimly lit!