Pregnancies happen. When you are trying to get pregnant or facing fertility issues pregnancies seem to happen all around, all the time. I have been fearing my inbox this week because in the past few days multiple friends have shared news of impending babies. I have had moments of genuine excitement for my friends, but they are short lived and often drowned out by the ugly belly sobs that follow.
I am so, so, grateful and appreciate the extra sensitivity people have shown in announcing their news because of our situation, and while this takes the sting out a little bit, the pain of infertility goes deep.
My body is tired from four lost pregnancies. My cycle isn't 'bouncing back' to normal anymore. It is sluggish and confused. Just like the rest of me.
Recurrent miscarriage is a cruel beast. It has stolen any joy we feel in discovering we are pregnant with an overpowering fear of loss, but it also steals the joy we feel about other peoples announcements too. I want to tell them I am happy, I want to be happy, I want to be able to truly share their happiness and dream along with them. It was easier to do this when we had just lost one pregnancy, we were told losing your first pregnancy was very common. I still felt normal. I could dream and hope for my own pregnancy while joining with friends to dream and celebrate theirs. But as we continued to get pregnant and miscarry, I started to feel less than normal, and then the doctor told us there were things about our situation that were ab-normal, and suddenly it wasn't so easy to dream with others, when dreaming and hoping for ourselves felt like we were just pretending.
I believe God can do miracles, but I am finding it hard to believe he will choose to do it for us. Something in me is telling me that my body is just not going to let this happen. I don't know if it my own pessimism, the enemy, or the Holy Spirit. I don't know whether to believe it or refute it. I wish we just knew one way or the other. I need some black and white. I need a plan, all this grey, and all this "wait and see" feels like such a heavy burden on our shoulders.
As the tears roll because I don't know if we will ever welcome an infant into our lives, my doubt creeps in and I am left desperate for hope. Real hope - and a little perspective. That's what the blogging offers. A place to process, rearrange the mess of thoughts into something manageable. It doesn't make it hurt less, but it helps me to remember what I have. I have a husband who love me, and a family and community with whom I can share life, laughing harder and crying harder than I ever thought possible. I have faith, albeit a little shaky right now, it's there. I am clinging to God in this moment when I feel like my insides are imploding from crying so hard and so deeply. I have His promises of a good future, and a hope for what is to come. I am holding onto that promise of hope with everything in me, when everything I can physically hold is falling away I believe His perfect hope will sustain me - or at least make me get out of bed in the morning.
It feels like it's been a long day but in reality it is only just starting. It feels like a long year, when we are only a couple of weeks in. The days seem to last forever when your arms are missing the children they never got to hold, and it feels like every second lasts for an hour when your heart is so heavy with longing.
I haven't had a day like this in a long time, in fact I haven't let myself go down the "it's not fair" road for fear it would swallow me hole, but today my heart is crying just that, so I guess we'll see what happens.