Since August, we have lived our life month to month, cycle to cycle as we try to have a baby. Counting days, taking temperatures, taking vitamins, eating well, peeing on sticks, and waiting. It's exhausting - but the possibility of having a baby is exhilarating.
The months we took off from trying this autumn allowed us to regroup, at least for a while, while we had some fertility tests done. With our last miscarriage a full cycle behind us my body seems to be back to normal and we are needing to make a decision for this month. We want to try, but we want it to lead to a baby. We have to factor in the possibility of worst because that's what we know, as well as the glimmer of hope that is the possibility of the best when we discuss whether this month is the right time to try again. It feels counter intuitive, and even cruel to ourselves to wait, but we truly want to step out on the path God has for us and when He seems silent, we feel uncertain of our next move. We are willing to walk this path of heartbreak if God is walking with us, we will find purpose in it. We just want to feel less alone in our decision.
Today was my fourth consecutive day of working out (this time), and I am feeling really proud of myself. I put it off all day, but I didn't let my sloth get the better of me and I just finished it in front of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. (I was actually quite motivated by those skinny ladies!!) I am eating leftover homemade vegetable pizza that I made last night, and feeling really good about myself. I have lost my body to the process of pregnancy and miscarriage four times a very short space of time and I am finally feeling like I have it back.
I have gone out at night a lot recently, have have felt fully well. For an anxiety sufferer like myself, social situations can be anxiety provoking at the best of times, but in times of stress or extra anxiety the pretty consistent nausea makes it really hard to feel like getting dressed in the morning let alone doing hair and make up and going out. It makes me want to hibernate. And I am a good hibernator. When we have been pregnant, my hormones as well as fear have triggered a lot of anxiety from almost day 1 of conception. Which means every month we try, for 3 weeks of that month, I am feeling awful physically - and then we have miscarried and had to deal with all that comes with the loss of a pregnancy. So pretty much it has dominated our thoughts, ravaged my body, hijacked our plans for upcoming trips and put a general cloud over the whole process of baby making; it's been pretty miserable for me, which in turn made it pretty miserable for Jeremy. It was a barrel of laughs in our house! ha ha
We didn't try this month because of the weird test results after our last m/c, and it felt like forever until we had been given the all clean from the doctor to try again. Now the decision is upon us and I am feeling much less excited to try. I liked it last month because the decision was taken away from us. I was sad that it meant we were another month away from a baby, but at the same time, if I am really honest, I don't know that I really believe my body will ever carry a baby to term so trying again will only bring heartbreak - being a month away from that wasn't so hard. Trying to have a baby feels like heading in the "right" direction, to add to our family. But truthfully, I feel like we will be simply moving around the food on our family plate, not adding to it.
Are we crazy to keep trying? Is my unbelief playing a part in this whole thing?
Sometimes the frivolity of not trying feels wonderful. I have been loving meeting friends for drinks, going to trivia nights, walks around the lake, playing in the snow, going to Bible study, being at friends houses for dinner, taking trips. I like feeling well. I like taking time to get ready, do my hair, slap on some make up and feel pretty; feel like myself. I like not having to get my hyperventilating under control before I decide if it's worth the crappy feeling to go somewhere. I am going out and feeling like myself for the first time in a long time.
Not trying feels like something I could really get behind, but I have a suspicion it is just a way I am putting off what I feel is the inevitable of not being able to conceive a healthy pregnancy. I am a procrastinator. A big one. I wonder if by putting off trying again, all the ultimatums I profess in whispers at night, that this will be the last time we try if we don't work out, will not have to be tested. I won't have to decide to give up on a biological child for another month. Perhaps that is where my fear lies, and where the comfort of putting off trying comes from?
Tonight, I go to bed with thoughts running through my mind, and the decision weighing heavily. Challenging my motivations fore and against trying. It might be a long night. God, grant me your peace tonight I guide my steps I pray. Again I surrender to your plan.
p.s. I keep catching glimpses of my newly painted toenails, they make me smile. Darling Anjie and I gave ourselves a little foot spa pedicure last night and it was wonderful! Ladies, get your girls friend over, soak those tootsies in warm water and scrub them with delicious scented scrubby stuff, clip those nails and then paint your nails a colour that makes you feel pretty. Trust me I'll do you a world of good!