I think it was needed. I am trying embrace today as a new day. I did some centering prayer last night which was something I didn't know I was missing in my life until it was done. An exercise in silence and surrender. A time to be still before the Lord. To sit, and know true peace, keeping my thoughts in check, and letting His peace reign in my spirit.
I have been going back and forth trying to understand how I could have written a blog on Tuesday night from a place of such contentment, only to fall into such a state of despair just hours later. I think that on Tuesday night I found a place on genuine peace. My life is good. Today. As I write, my life is good. I again have peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
As people around me begin to add to their families, I feel an anxiety creep in. A voice in my head telling me that I am running out of time. Who am I kidding? I am 32 not 50. I believe we will have a family, I was saying to my friend yesterday how I wish I could skip forward 10 years to spy on my life because I know I will have a family, I just don't know the exact story God is going to write. Sometimes I would just like the heads up!
God has a perfect plan for me. For us. For our family. A perfect plan. Not a perfect family, but one full of love.
When I begin to look too far into the future I panic. I compare, I become doubtful because I don't see the path ahead. My tears are not unfounded. My grief is real. 2010 was full of grief, heavy losses that continue to sting. But my tears are not unwelcome or unwanted by God. He knows every one. He cries with me. He desires to be my comforter and my healer. He is jealous for my time and for my heart. He is singing love songs over me.
He doesn't want me to ignore my sorrow, but he is calling me out of sitting in it and letting it overwhelm me. He is asking me to be truthful. To be sad in the sad moments, and be joyful in the fun times. He is present in both places, and is the giver of the kind of true life that includes mountains and valley, but he is true and faithful in both places.
When I let my thoughts run away with me, there is space for fear to set in. When I set my eyes on an unknown future instead of on the God who loves me, the fear takes over.
My family will be beautiful. A unique story that started in August 2009 when I married the most wonderful man, a true partner for life. Someone who shares my desire to parent, and whose heart breaks with mine for our losses. Our stories, written to perfectly intertwine. Something that I couldn't imagine happening when I was feeling sad in my singleness. But it was all a part of the story God was writing, and I wouldn't change a second of what has been written so far.
We have today. I don't want to worry about the future, and I don't need to because I know that God's plans for me are for good. Today is good. Today is full of love, friendships, prayers, it has a little sorrow mixed in, but God is there and good in all of it.
So Lord please hold my heart, help me to keep my eyes fixed on you, trusting that you who began this good work in me will carry it on until it is completed (Philippians 1:6) I don't need to know tomorrow, today is full enough!
Here we are this December with our gingerbread house. I love this guy so much x
Thank you for the blessing of your friendship and your wisdom. You are a source of strength for many people in your life (myself included) and I will do my VERY best to hope and provide strength for you and Jeremy when it feels like you have none. Who would have known that the girl that sat across from me in an intern orientation meeting making fun of the splenda sweetened yogurt I was eating would one day become a dear friend?
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