Sunday, March 25, 2012

Fear and Faith

Yesterday we bought our crib and dresser/change table for the nursery.

This felt like a much bigger deal than I expected. Firstly, it felt as though we were telling the world we really believe one day that a little baby will sleep in our house and need a bed. As much as my ever expanding belly is telling the world this already, it feels as though we were still trying to keep it quiet in many ways. We had been very slow to make purchases. Even though it felt like I was buying lots of clothes since we knew we were team blue, I still felt a little fraudulent, or at least presumptuous.

I still go back and forth between feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for this blessing, and fearful of having it taken away. My prayer has been for greater intimacy with Jesus whatever it costs but I am afraid that a way God will chose to draw us into intimacy with him will be to take this away. Not out of punishment, but in His divine wisdom and as part of His greater sovereign plan. My prayer continues to be that our lives would be fully for him, but recently they have of course included pleading for our baby boy to get to live a life in this world. I am not consumed by fear by any means but I am painfully aware that I do not deserve this, and I do not know what our future looks like. God's best may not be my plan.

I trust that this child is made in God's image. I trust that each day he is growing healthy and strong God's purpose for him is being fulfilled. All that to say, buying a crib brings many fears to the surface. It will be in our home, waiting for our baby to come. Once it's here, its here. It's a key player in transforming our office into a nursery and it shouts loudly, "these folks are planning to have a baby."

I am not sure when it will start to feel like I am confident to officially be planning. Perhaps 24 weeks; fetal viability. Of course, having him come that early would be far, far, far from ideal, but at least the medical staff would try to help him. Perhaps 30 weeks pregnant will be the start of the official planning. All I know is that I am praying my heart will continue to find peace in this pregnancy and that God will continue to keep our son healthy and strong.

When we began the adoption process, I found a book online called "For this child I prayed" and its all prayers based on scripture for parents to pray over their children. They are beautiful prayers. I would sit in the room we wanted to be our nursery and pray over the children we would call our own. Little did I know that we would have the blessing of praying them over our own biological child. Each night J and I take turns choosing a prayer and praying it over our son. Prayers for strong faith, good character and deep friendships to name a few. Prayers are also for us as parents and we are very aware of our need for those! We so desire to raise our boy to be a man after God's heart. This child is well covered in prayer, not just ours but those of family and friends everywhere and for that we will be eternally grateful.

Our baby boy is an answer to so many prayers, and we are thrilled that God chose this way to answer them. We hope and pray that we will get to introduce our bundle to all those who have invested their hearts in prayer for him and for us. And even if God chooses to take him home tomorrow, I am forever thankful to have been his mother for the last 5 months. I will never forget the power and miracle that prayer released. That gives me peace, and hope for the months ahead.

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