Wednesday, March 14, 2012

It is well with my soul

The last full of week of the quarter shows no sign of slowing. My French oral final is this morning, so I have been practicing over and over. I can't wait for it to be know, so I can start worrying about the final next week!

I am feeling pretty content with the way I am approaching the end of this quarter. I'm on top of my homework and final projects and not feeling overwhelmed with revision. Maybe I am finally getting the hang of this school thing?

Buggy seems to enjoy my french class, and gets very active especially at times when I really need to concentrate or speak in front of the class! I hope this means that our little one will come out speaking fluently. I suppose I can practice my skills on him/her when they are growing up, although I am not certain that would benefit their linguistic development very much. Especially considering I cannot talk about anything in future tense.

For the past couple of weeks I have been very anxiously following Amy's story. She is a fellow blogger and she and her husband have been struggling with infertility for many years. They recently heard about an adoption situation, they went to visit the baby girl and found out soon after they had been chosen to parent. They were then thrown into the craziness of home studies and preparations for parenthood! The adoption is due to be finalised in the next day or so and then they can finally bring their daughter home. Her updates have brought me to tears every time as I so strongly connect with their story. When we were on our adoption journey I tried to imagine how it would be to hold onto hope and also keep your heart from investing too much at each step, in case things didn't work out. I confess before we found out we were pregnant, I saw pregnancy as a much easier option. While of course there are elements we can control in a way that adoption does not allow for, I still feel as though I am walking a strange path of balancing hoping and holding my heart back in case something goes wrong.

As Amy has shared her heart so beautifully on her blog over the past few days, her roller-coaster has been a condensed version of what this pregnancy has been and continues to be for us.

At first we were so hopeful to see out betas rising, but our experience told us to keep our hopes low. Then after we saw a heartbeat, our hope seemed less in vain, but we told ourselves to hold off really letting us imagine our lives with a baby until we hit 13 weeks. At 13 weeks our hope rose again as everyone told us our chances of actually having a baby were so good, but the reality that we have no control over this pregnancy meant we couldn't fully embrace it. After we told everyone we were expecting, and more recently as I have felt kicks it is hard to deny that this is really happening - but it is still scary to put our hope fully in becomming parents to this baby in August. What is something goes wrong now? What is our scan reveals a heart defect or another problem which means our child will not be born healthy, or born at all? What if I go into early labor and our premature baby loses it's fight for life?

Watching Amy and her husband surrender to God's plan for their child and their family is such a comfort. I see in her story how God has been faithful. It is easy to believe for them that it will all work our for their best and God's glory. It reminded me that although our baby is in my body, we have no more control over the ending of our story. But we can trust fully in our God. It is a reminder that we cannot depend on our circumstances but we can always depend on our loving heavenly father.

Just as Amy and her husband have to take each day at a time and trust that God's plan will come to pass, so do we.

All I can do is be faithful each day to what God asks of me and live well and fully into the story He is writing. Things will not always turn out the way I think they should but I can always know that God is faithful and my mouth can always proclaim, "it is well with my soul."

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