This time last year I was in Hawaii. This time last year I was grieving heavily the pregnancies I had lost. This time last year I was shaking my fist at God asking "why me?", "why us?", "Will this holiday ever be something I celebrate as a mother and not just as a daughter?"
The tears flowed last year. Despite the Kauai sunshine. Despite the loving kindness of the friends we were holidaying with. Despite Jeremy's voice being a calm and constant source of comfort. I was sad. I was wondering how much longer I would have to be strong. How many more babies would be born before one came along to call me mama?
And this year, with my son kicking hard inside my taught, giant, uncomfortable belly my is heart over flowing with gratitude. This year, I am celebrating Mother's day as a mother. And yet, I am still celebrating with some heaviness. I know there are many women who shed tears last Mother's day for the same reason as me, and are still waiting for their dream to come true. Their hearts are still aching to be mother.
And this mother's day is also a painful time for mother's who have lost babies. A day that is a reminder of the little ones who are not here to celebrate their mothers.
I celebrate this holiday as a daughter and a daughter-in-law. I am so thankful for these women who are such faithful examples of what it means to love as a mother for me and for J. And this year I celebrate as a mother-to -be, excited to finally be so close to meeting my baby boy and learning what being a mother is truly all about.
But I have not forgotten those times of grief, and this year I am praying for strength and hope for the women who are still waiting and those who are grieving.
From where I stood last year, desperate and overwhelmed with sorrow and questions I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined that this Mother's day my life would look so very different. It is in that revelation of God's goodness that I can hope for those still waiting.
Wishing blessings to every mother this year, those who have their children, those who have lost their children and those who are still waiting for your children. Your Mother's hearts beat with the same rhythm.
Happy Mother's day.