New Years Eve 2011

It's been quite a year. A good year. There have been valleys as well as peaks but overall this year was kind to us.

Our hope is that this will be the last year we will start as a couple and not as a family. Praying that God has that in His Hands and will make our lives beautiful in that way in His time.

Wishing you all a blessed and hope-filled new year.

Chrissie x

Christmas...and beyond

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas time. We spent a glorious few days at my in-laws. It was very low key. J was still getting over his flu so he wasn't up to much, and his sister and i were on the tail end of colds so we were not exactly the life of the party either. However, we had lots of good food, played games, watched football, and of course opened presents and a good time was had by all. I think we were all enjoyed the very laid back celebration.

With J still feverish and hacking up a lung, I slept in a room with my lovely sis-in-law. At first I was quite sad at the idea of not waking up next to j on Christmas morning but honestly it was really fun to spend the nights up chatting about life the universe and everything with her. At holiday times, I am always reminded how blessed I am to have married into such a great family. I know its not always the case that you get a package deal with a great guy, but I really did.

We came home with a car full of fun goodies, including an ice cream maker and recipe book which I am SO excited to try out! We also got an electric blanket which we have been turning on before we climb in. Our house is usually warm at night, but somehow the heat stays out of the bed and getting into a freezing cold bed is never nice. The blanket gets the bed all nice and warm so we never again have to do that crazy dance where you get in and flap arms and legs around trying not to freeze!!

Jeremy totally scored too with a massage chair from his parents which is just wonderful. Luckily he shares willingly so I get to have turns too!

We are hoping to use this week to get a few house things done while is off from work but we are making sure to be doing a lot of just relaxing together too. Tonight I made something really simple for tea, jacket potato with Heinz beans and a green salad and we are watching the final Harry Potter on DVD. I love these quiet nights in together...now we just have to figure out what to do for new years??!

What was your favourite Christmas present?

Only 4 more sleeps!!!!

So Christmas joy has finally got to our house. Christmas joy and the flu...I could have done without the second thing. We were both feeling pretty off this weekend but I wonder if my symptoms were more sympathy symptoms because I feel fine without anything really coming to a head, but poor J has been in bed for the last few days with the shivers and an achy body. He has been sleeping in the other room to try and avoid giving me his germs. That feels weird. It's like we had a fight I don't know about or something! I hate not sleeping next to him.

Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend today which I am very happy about because it would be so sad for him to be sick over Christmas.

I opened door 21 on my Cadbury's chocolate advent calendar today. So glad that my mum still send me one of those each year. Honestly, the anticipation that comes from opening a little door each day is crazy. I am a grown woman yet this little tradition certainly helps my Christmas spirit soar!

Last Christmas was tough. We had so many unanswered questions about our pregnancy losses and our future as parents. We didn't know what our family was going to look like or how we were going to get there. This Christmas we have hope. So much hope.

We don't always understand the ways God works, but we have continued to surrender our plans and our family to His plans and we know he is faithful. We know our family will be a reflection of his love for us. And we look forward to sharing the story of our family as a continued testimony of Gods faithfulness.

This year J and I gave ourselves a Christmas budget - Thanks Dave Ramsey! We have been putting money aside all year in our Christmas fund and now I get to spend it. This sounded great until I realised I had to make a plan to keep on budget. This is not good news for a free-spirit-Christmas-spender! I feel as though J is the person who will notice the budget the most under the tree this year. I love to buy him things and this year, I had to restrict myself. So this year, I hope my hugs and kisses can make up for the lack of presents from me - assuming her is not longer contagious of course, otherwise hell have to take a rain check!

Welcome if you are here from ICLW - Please let me know you stopped by, and if you are interested in our journey so far, please check out the post on the left-hand side.

Only 4 more sleeps people!!!

And into the Christmas Spirit we go...

I am done! Thank you for all the good wishes. I actually feel pretty good about my French final, I won't know my grade for a little while but I think I did well enough to pass so I can take the following class next quarter.

I am celebrating my freedom by sleeping in and eating my chocolate from my advent calendar for breakfast. It's amazing. And I am not even feeling guilty yet.

Tomorrow is one of my favourite new holiday traditions, the all day Christmas movie marathon that our dear friends host. They release the movie schedule and people come and go throughout the day. We usually wear something that closely resembles pajamas and bring along blankets and pillows etc. We will be popping out for a movie length in the afternoon to attended a cookie exchange but then will be back for the evenings viewing. Ho ho ho!

I have not felt like we have fully embraced the Christmas spirit this year and with only ten days to go before the big day I am hoping this weekend will kick us into high gear. We also have to pick up a gingerbread house kit this weekend because we are putting them together with friends next week. Another goofy and fun tradition.

I loved the Christmas episode on 'New Girl' where they went to see the Christmas lights int he neighborhood. We have a plan to go exploring some of the neighbourhood displays in our area because I LOVE Christmas lights. It is just magical to see everything sparkling.

Something else which will be sparkling in my house soon is a brand new fridge. We have had three unsuccessful attempts to have this thing delivered, and we have taken groceries out of our current fridge each of those times, only to have to return them because of a whole spectrum of excuses. But today I feel it's going to be different and that this time we will be putting them back into a beautiful new one. It will be a pre-Christmas miracle!

Is it Friday yet?

I know it's Thursday night but seriously, this feels like the longest week ever. I have crossed off a lot of things academically, but it feels like the never ending list.
I am having a hard time believing this quarter will ever end!

Also, Christmas is right around the corner how did that happen? I am usually so one the ball but this year, I have let things slide a little. I thought I was ahead of the game but I just realised that the cards I wrote are still sitting on the counter, next to the ones I still have to write but that had got forgotten.

Then I was certain I was done with my shopping but unless I have a pile of presents somewhere that I bought and forgot I still have a few (pretty important) ones to figure out. I do have things packaged for the UK which is great...but they have yet to make it to the post office so I am not patting myself on the back just yet!! ha ha

I do like this time of year though, the lights and the glitter everywhere...I think I just need to be done with school so I can fully embrace it. Counting down to Wednesday at 12.30!

Struggling to finish strong

Jeremy has been gone for work this week. And while I don't like him being gone, it does give me some great time to catch up with girlfriends who I easily neglect when normal life mode kicks in. I seriously have some of the most amazing ladies in my life.

It is also the last full week of school and I am really struggling to stay focused and keep my head in the game. I have an oral presentation in my French class tomorrow and a quiz on Friday before the final next Wednesday. Yuck. I hate tests. I get so nervous, and as soon as I get to a question that I don't know I freeze and seem to forget everything. I like to pretend tests are not happening, so my nerves don't get the better of me. However, putting off studying to fool myself into thinking a test is far off is not really that helpful.
I also have final assignments and a final in my other class so there is a lot of things which should be filling me time - but aren't. This quarter is dragging like none before it. I am not sure why...I think maybe our adoption journey now feels so real and so immediate that school work seems a bit pointless.

I know that once I have my two year degree, probably in a year or less, I will feel great about my accomplishment but the next few quarters might drag on like this one. And lets face it, once we have a baby in our arms my motivation for school work will be totally gone so I guess I should try and keep my head in the game as much as possible now in case our baby comes sooner rather than later and I have limited motivated time!!

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Not chosen

Just wanted to write a very quick update to let you know we heard that the birth mother who had been shown our profile has chosen another family to parent her baby. Of course it stings a little to not have been chosen, but we trust that this little one has a wonderful family to grow up in and we feel honored to have been able to bathe her entry into the world in prayer.

We had a sense that this was not our baby, but we would have loved to be wrong, so now wait and we look forward to seeing God's plan come to be in our family.

Thanks you for all your encouraging and supportive words, we truly appreciate them.

Community

Really struggling to focus on the school assignments that are staring me down today. I had a wonderful morning at church, full of friends and not enough time to really catch up with everyone that I wanted to.

On Thursday last week, I had an open house ladies night for ladies at our church to get to know one another in an informal environment, over wine and dessert. My husband kept asking me what we were going to do at ladies night, he and his male brain had a hard time grasping the fact that little planning is necessary when you throw a bunch of ladies in a space with chocolate and vino. That is what we are doing!

I was excited by the great turn out and by the sweet, real conversations we were able to have during the evening. Old and new friends alike. It was a glimpse of the community in our lives, and I felt truly honored to be able to be a part of a church community who desire to be truly known, and present in each others lives. I just kept looking around thinking, this is what its supposed to be like.
Not that our church is perfect, but it is a platform for us to know Christ and one another in a more authentic way and to serve others in our community.

This morning, the advent reading, the worship, the message, the post service conversation was just another confirmation of God's plan for our lives. We were to be a part of this church.

Life is feeling very full at the moment. Not in a busy way particularly, but full of good things, full of relationships, full of laughter...and homework. I guess I am back around to struggling with motivation for that, which is probably my sign to stop blogging and get on with it.

I hope that where ever you are today, you are experiencing the peace, joy and hope of this Christmas season.

Easy Weekend

So no news is good news? I am not sure if I am sure about that but we haven't heard anything even though the baby has been born. We should hear either way, so perhaps the birth mother is having second thoughts? Who knows?

I do know that I have felt very certain that this situation came to us so we could ask for prayer for this little life. I have felt very peaceful as I have prayed for health and protection over her life, very certain that in my times of intercession I was in the center of Gods will. Not a certainty that this child will be in our home but a certain sense that for this short time we were here to cover her with prayer. And in that we feel like parents. Like God is continuing to transform our hearts.

This has been a learning curve. A glimmer of what is to come perhaps.

So I am writing our Christmas cards, silly pictures of the hubs and I. No cute baby this year. I thought that this could have been a sad reminder. I know that for some couples struggling with infertility, or waiting to adopt the holiday season is just a reminder that another year has passed by without a baby in their lives. Last year was hard for us, I was cautious about being too merry this year but the holiday blues have evaded me (so far.)

We have had a lovely, relaxing start to our weekend. Friends over for brunch and then watching Christmas movies, the Christmas card writing, and simple, lovely time with Jeremy.

Not such a bad life really. Not at all.

Not trying to keep you hanging...

Know we are hanging right there with you!

After getting the word that the expectant mother wanted to see our book, we printed out our letters to her and the other information we needed to have attached in the book and then dropped it at our adoption office at about 7am (before it opened, we just slid it under the door! But we wanted it to be there first thing!) And they sent it off.

The baby is still going to be born just as soon, we may just not have a s much notice if we were to be chosen and that is kinda stressing me out. I have another couple of weeks left of school and finals and stuff so I am trying to stay focused but that's easier said than done.

This advent season is all about anticipation for us and I am trying to draw closer to God in this time of waiting. Trying to hear his voice and remember his promises. I trust his plan is for our best and our anticipation only builds as we more deeply understand this truth.

Having been feeling a little off lately I am raring to get on with the Christmas festivities. I am about to whip up a batch of sugar cookies for tomorrow nights ladies night and I will be accompanied in my Christmas baking by a Lifetime Christmas movie of some sort! Promise to let you know any news when we do! I am feeling fairly peaceful that this is not our time, but of course we would be thrilled if it was.

More waiting!

When I saw our caseworkers number on my phone call I braced myself to hear, "she has chosen another couple"

Instead, I heard, "Her pregnancy counselor called and wants you to send your full profile book (we had just sent our basic profile sheet before because our books are still in transit!)

So now, we have to get our books over to the office to send out first thing tomorrow. I guess she still wants to see us. However, our caseworker did say that lots of people had agreed to be shown to her, so she may well chose another family before our book makes it to her but as of today she is still undecided.

And we can't quite relax just yet. I am ok with that. I know I would have been sad to hear we have not been chosen, but i am praying that she at least has a chance to see our profile before she decides.

Jesus, I know you have this. We have been waiting so long for your gift of a child and are praying that if this is that child then your plan will come to be.

In the waiting

Feeling kinda yucky today. I have been a bit under the weather this whole week. I am not sure if its a physical reaction to the reality that our profile is being shown, as my mother suggested, or simply doing too much while living in a cold and wet city! Either way, the weather is a good reflection of how I am feeling.

I am trying to go on with life as normal. Planning meals for the week, and grocery shopping. Getting Christmas gifts wrapped and ready to mail home to England (really must get on that!) and making dates with friends for dinner or coffee or game night as we embrace the holiday season as a reason for fun. But it is hard to keep my mind distracted. The uncertainty just sucks all my energy.

I had a spurt of energy just now and tidied away our Christmas decoration boxes so all that is left is pretty decorations. That's a good thing but it did take me two days.

I am hosting a Christmas ladies night, for the ladies from my church this week so I wanted to have decorations up for that. At least now I know that all I will have to do to get ready for the party is to give the bathroom a wipe over and the carpet a quick vacuum! There will be baking too, but that isn't s chore to find enthusiasm for!

Last week Joann fabrics had a free shipping day, so I took full advantage and ordered some lolly pop sticks (which were already on sale) to try my hand at making cake pops, or something similar. I have a recipe for chocolate-mint ones, which look so cute, so we will see if they turn out well. I like having an excuse to try fun treats when I am not going to get left eating them all!

I really dislike feeling this lack of energy during this season. I love all things Christmas so I know I am feeling off when I am forcing myself to jingle! Hoping that a new week will give us certain answers about this adoption situation, and that I can find joy in the wait. Joy, and an appetite for Christmas cookies!! ha ha

News...

I have struggled to blog this week. I would love to blame the holiday business but truthfully, I have always wanted this blog to be an open book of our lives. God is doing wonderful things, out of the ashes comes beauty again and again. I do not believe in leaving out the bad stuff, but it can also be hard to share all the good stuff. I was always rubbish at keeping secrets and the adoption journey requires that we may often be in a situation that could lead to our lives changing. The dilemma comes as we have to decide to share if an when we are being considered by a birth mother. I had always thought I would want to keep these situations private so as not to let our hope get away from us. As if, once it was written down as a possibility, it would be too hard to take it back if we didn't get chosen.

In the past few days this has been the opposite of our experience. Our home study is pretty much complete and on Tuesday our caseworker called and asked if we would consider being shown to a birth mother delivering her baby very soon, and in a state far, far, away. There are many details which I cannot share because the cases are confidential but needless to say it felt like a huge decision and suddenly, I didn't want to be making it without the prayers of our community. We shared with our closest friends and made the decision to say we would be considered.

So now I am sharing that same information with you.

We are not putting much stock in being chosen, which is why I am typing this blog and not turning our office into a nursery, but how fun would it be if it did work out?! Fun. Well, crazy maybe. We are low on the list to be shown, and she may chose a family before she even gets to see our information but we agreed to be considered so there is a vague possibility.

Please say a prayer with us; for the birth parents to find peace with their decision and to feel certain when they find the profile of the 'right' adoptive parents for their baby. Please also pray especially for health for the baby. There are some pretty big concerns. Whoever adopts this precious life, I want this child to live a full and healthy life.

I will be sure to let you know if we hear anything more about this baby. I guess this is just the start of dipping our toes in the selection and matching process of adoption. Exciting, hopeful and totally surreal.

In other news, we decorated our Christmas tree today. I love the glistening and sparkling of the lights everywhere. My tree looks great, but the living room has a layer of tissue paper all over from unwrapping ornaments. I am avoiding clearing it up by blogging, making tea, and anything else I can think of. I guess I can't ignore it forever!

Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.

Post Thanksgiving Thanks

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I had nothing on that tryptophan! It knocked me out. Twice. Once on the floor next to the fireplace, and once as soon as my head even saw the pillow of the bed!

What a lovely day. Walked around the lake with friends. A tradition I have come to just love. The rain even held off until we were almost done which made the ho chocolate reward at the end even more delightful. Then home to put finishing touches on some dishes we were bringing to Jeremy's parents house for our Thanksgiving dinner.

Joined by family and friends, and a 25lb turkey, we feasted and were thankful.

Even though our life this past year has not looked the way we would have planned it, we are still so blessed. We have strong community in our family and friends who bring joy to our lives more than we can ever express.

Our story is still being written, and we are thankful that we can trust God to bring all the loose ends together as we entrust our future family into his hands.

Hoping you had a happy thanksgiving too. Must go, we are off to cut down the Christmas tree!!

Happy ICLW

Hello if you are joining today from ICLW, so glad you are here, welcome. Make yourself at home. I look forward to getting to know you are join you on your journey to and through parenthood. It's a crazy ride. Well, the getting there bit is proving to be a crazy ride for my hubby and I.

We hope to be officially "paper pregnant" but the beginning of December with our home study approved and our profile books ready for viewing by prospective birth mothers. I think we are both still a little in awe that this could really be happening so soon. Although it has actually taken a long time to get here, and we know it is only just the start of our next step, it is still exciting, thrilling and completely never wracking to think about!

This week I hope to leave some of the baby thinking and planning behind and get more fully into the holiday and Thanksgiving spirit. I have a lovely list of deliciousness to create in my kitchen and I am almost giddy to get on with it! I just have to suck it up and get on with some revision for my big important French test on Wednesday. Oh well! It will all be worth it in the end.

I would love to know who is stopping by so please leave a comment so I can connect with your blog too.

Blah and choices

My body is feeling blah today. I carry my emotional processing in my physical body, and even though the lessons God teaches can bring me peace my body still has some catching up to get there. I guess this is the burden of an anxiety sufferer. It could be worse, but today I am feeling pretty yucky, maybe not yucky, just heavy-hearted and well, blah.

I thought I would try and shake of the blah by running some errands. They included shopping for 'the perfect' paper and envelopes to stick into our profile books and print out our letters to the birth parents and our profile information sheet. They had to be just right. Not that I am obsessive or anything! So this fun sounding little jaunt ended up being much more stressful than I anticipated - self inflicted, of course.

It is silly, but I went back and forth, "what if the birth mother likes purple and we use a purple envelope and that is what draws her to our book? What is she thinks our colours are too boring and doesn't choose us because of that? On and on...our trip to Paper Source was longer than expected. We left with some fairly neutral colours, but I think they will look nice with the colours in the book and they are light enough that when we print the letters, they will be legible.

According to the UPS tracker our photo books will be here sometime this week or early next week, So we have until then to complete and tweak our letters. And then, that's it. Done. Waiting.

I feel as though our advent devotionals this year will have even more meaning than usual as we anticipate the arrival of our own child and remember the anticipation of Mary, and the longing world we waiting for baby Jesus all those years ago.

The fear and the unknown, the hope the joy and the peace. These feeling will resonate with us more deeply than ever this year.

We also shopped for our Thanksgiving feast, I am making cranberry cherry sauce, roasted sweet potatoes and Apples with bourbon glaze, mashed yams with goat cheese, and a fruit salad with pomegranate and mango it looks amazing! I love doing a pot luck type thing because we all get to create in the kitchen but no one gets stressed out because we are doing too much to enjoy the day. Hoping the busy few days at school, which include a french test (eeek!) will shake off the blah so I can embrace all the delights of thankfulness that are to come at the end of the week as we gather with family and friends.

What did you get up to this weekend?

Undeserving?

In many ways I have been able to find peace with the possibility that I may not carry a baby to term in my body, but it is still hard to wrap my head around how my faith in a God of love, hope and miracles would chose this to be the road I walk.

A friend, pregnant with her second child made the comment the other day, "I don't know why I deserve to have two healthy children when some people can't have kids." It struck me because I often have that some thought when I hear about a women who in my eyes is undeserving of a healthy pregnancy, for whatever reason I am judging her - some more valid determiners that others, but nevertheless not my responsibility to decide their deservability! Why do they deserve this gift? And why don't I deserve it?

The truth, is that my friend did nothing to deserve her two healthy babies, and in fact she does not deserve them. That sounds harsh even as I write it, but it help me find the truth. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, she doesn't deserve healthy babies but she was blessed with the gift of children. It was not through her own works. And in the same way, I do not deserve to have a baby of my own. I have done nothing to deserve it anymore than I have done something to un-deserve it, and I can do nothing to persuade God to give me another chance at motherhood viability.

Children are only ever a gift from God.

I was thinking over this in the shower, and God brought the passage to mind of the workers it the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). I think it's funny because this passage has always bothered me. I know the message that is being taught is true but the I struggle because I identify so much with the workers that complain they are being treated unfairly. I suppose this is way God brought it up today!

Jesus says, "But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?" (A denarius is the daily wage for a laborer) I am saved by faith, and will live with Jesus eternally in heaven. God will be with me through trials, he will be my strength when I am weak, and he will protect me from the enemy. These are his promises to me. I have done nothing to deserve them, but they are gifts freely given. I worry that God likes me less because I can't have a baby, I worry that people imagine some hidden sin that is preventing us from being in God's will, but I have to stand on the truth that is simply, God's ways are not my ways. He is a just God. My only job is to trust him, and to be obedient to the calling he has put on my life.

I do not get what I deserve. Thank goodness because I would be in big trouble. I am saved by his grace. Undeserved, but received with thankfulness.

Lord, please help my jealous heart to be transformed. Please instill in me that your love cannot be seen only in the fruit of a pregnancy. Open my eyes more and more to your gifts given so freely that we may have an abundant life. My heart is yours.

Water and Rest, Lessons in Trust

Getting closer, we finished our profile book! It is not perfect ans as soon as I hit 'order' I thought of something I wanted to change. Then the first thought in my head when I woke up the next morning was something else I had forgotten to change. Oh well. Too late now. Good thing there is grace to cover even those mistakes! I know the Lord will not let that be the defining factor in us becomming parents.

As we edge closer and closer to being approved I feel my anxiety rising. We have wanted this for so long. Too long. This has been the longest 'conception' ever. Yet no as the reality is about to hit I am afraid. All the boxes we checked about the health risks we would be willing to consider seem overwhelming and I want to shout that I have changed my mind. I want only a perfect baby. I want to be in control of our family's future. I have a picture in my mind that I do not want to surrender.

When we are officially paper pregnant, probably in a couple of weeks, we will begin to hear about birth mothers and have to start making decision about whether we want them to be shown our profile. I am praying for a perfect situation. A women who has taken care of her body, eaten well, gone to her doctors appointments and abstained from drugs and alcohol, with a support system to care for her after the adoption. Perhaps I am crazy to think this is possible, or just extremely naive. And when I am praying, I feel a sense of selfishness. Why should we be blessed with a healthy child when there are so many children born addicted, or with diseases or struggles that will shape their lives? I know I am not owed anything but my heart still wrestles with wanting so badly to know what my life will look like, and wanting it to match my expectations.

My faith has certainly been taking a beating over the past couple of years. I see God drawing my heart to his and teaching me to trust. This whole adoption thing is saturated in exercise of trust, including but not limited to the health of our child and the relationship we will have with their birth parent(s).

Ultimately, if we do not believe I can trust God in this then I don't want to do it. I have seen God's faithfulness in many ways, but as I read over my journal entries from our miscarriages my trust is tested. My prayers for protection over our baby went unanswered, or at least unanswered in the way my heart so desperately wanted. Can I trust God to protect a child that is growing in another woman's body, when I feel as though I have lost trust that he can protect one in my own?

I guess that is a question I will have to face in time.

Reading in Exodus 15, I can see how the Israelites had to face the issue of trusting God. He had led them out into the desert and they ran out of water. They had no way of getting it on their own. They had to trust in God's provision. And he did provide. He already had a plan for them. They found water in Marah but it was undrinkable until God told Moses to throw the stick in. God wanted them to learn that his provision was already in place for them, they just had to trust him and He would provide. Not only that, but after they they drank God led them to a place of rest. After a time of trial God provides rest, and time for us to reflect on all He has done. Boy, I cannot wait for that time!

Until then I am choosing to trust that His ways are good and true. And that the plans he has for us will being us a future and a hope - and our baby...

"Who is like you among the gods, O LORD--glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Ex 15:11

It's a (almost) Thanksgiving Miracle

I just got word from our case worker that my, "these shriveled prints will certainly be rejected" prints and Jeremy's "we have no record of these, call back next week" prints have both been returned to our agency ACCEPTED!!!!

Yes, you read that right. God is good. I shed a tear when I heard the news. I am overwhelmed by His provision in this situation and His response to our prayers, and the prayers of others.

Our caseworker told us the office is going through an audit and so our Home Study will probably not be completed and approved for a few weeks, but we can (almost) just relax and enjoy the holidays.

I have to sing J's praise a little bit here. And maybe swoon, just a little. Included in our profile book are letters written by Jeremy and I, to the prospective birth parents. It has to explain a bit about our family, our home, values, and of course information about who we are. I had been asking - read nagging - Jeremy to start his letters for a couple of weeks now. I know this kind of 'getting your feelings onto paper' project is not something he finds easy and I felt like he had been dragging his feet. So this weekend, after a conversation that included,

Me - Did you write your letter yet? (knowing he hadn't!)

J - Not yet

Me - Can you please just write it, we are almost done. This is the last part.

J - I know you have told me. I told you I would do it. Please drop it.

Me - But please can you just start writing it, you don't have to finish but at least start it.

J - You know, you are not exactly inspiring me to write nice things about you right now.

Ha ha.

I dropped it! Realising that I was getting no where fast, and that I was being really annoying!

Later that night he wrote the first letter and when I read it I almost cried, it was so beautiful. I have a hard time getting my head around the fact that he wrote it. I mean, I would want this an to be the father of my child. Wait...! I am so proud that this guy is my husband and that I get to share life with him.

Looks like the beginning of December will be the start of our paper pregnancy. We are over the moon!!

Fingerprints and Christmas shopping!

A week after my first call, I thought I would call the fingerprint peeps over on the east coast and see if they had anymore info on J's prints. They told me last week that should have an update within the week and be able to tell when his prints would be sent out. (My prints are apparently still on track to be mailed tomorrow...or Monday - I'm not holding my breath but at least that's the same story/time line they talked about last week)

Today they told me J' prints however have gone A.W.O.L.

Perhaps I was a little too confident in his prints coming through without a problem. I know my 'potential problem prints' were bathed in prayer but this reminds me that it is in the places we least expect trouble that the enemy can sneak in.

The man I spoke with referred the case to a supervisor and told me to call back next Wednesday when they "might" have information for me. So I turn back to you, my faithful friends and ask that you take a moment to send up a prayer for Jeremy's prints to be found quickly and without a problem.

Ugh! I am SO tired of things being difficult. We are so close, I just wish we could catch a break! Ok. Pity party over - it was short lived.
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I trust God's plan for our family, and I truly believe that fingerprints will not be the thing that stops his planning coming to pass!

So this Christmas I will not be shopping for my own baby, but who doesn't love shopping for little ones? Imagining their faces lighting up because your gifts made them feel so special and loved is part of the magic of the season. So this year, I saw an opportunity to still get my cute shopping fix and to make Christmas a little brighter for some little ones who need it.



Remember the fundraiser I promoted a while ago for New Day Foster Home in China? Well, they just put out the Christmas lists for all the kids. If you want to make Christmas a little brighter for a child in need check out this list, find a smile that you just can't resist and get shopping! Just email the address at the top of the blog to let her know who you want to buy for so they know which kids are covered.

I am off to the shops right now. I want to make sure I have things wrapped and sent off to arrive in time! I hope you will consider if this is something you could do too this Christmas season

Plodding along

No news is good news. Or in our case, no news is because everything is just chugging along and we have both been sick with colds so there has been nothing very exciting happening around here.

We have been sharing a nasty cough/cold for about three weeks, and it has ebbed and flowed between us, one day I feel awful and the next it's Jeremy's turn again.

I have got back on track with 'myfitnesspal' and am feeling more in control of eating well again. If I keep the pace up throughout the holidays (which may be a challenge!) I may well hit my target before the end of the year after all. Or at least close into 2012. [Looking forward to that target weight shopping spree so much!]

As far as adoption stuff goes, our profile book is so very close to being done I can almost taste it.

I called the background check folks over at the FBI and they told me my prints would be mailed by November 11th but Jeremy's were still in process so she could give me little information other than they expected that they would be completed within a week. However, considering mine were finished with and had to wait almost two weeks for them to be mailed, I am not sure how long it will take for us to see his. If we do need to re-do my prints we can pay for them to be returned within two weeks but I am still praying for a miracle that we will not have to re-do them at all.

The next, and almost final step in the adoption process for us is writing letter to the prospective birth parents which will go in our profile book. Our case worker says that even if they don't want to look through all the pictures in our book, they will read the letters we write. It is a tough job to write to people who we don't know, who are in a difficult and heartbreaking position. I want to be compassionate, and yet I ultimately want to make a good impression - one that says, 'we would be great parents to your child.'

I might need a cupcake to get me through that! ha ha

Home Visit. Check.

The home visit went well. She didn't even bring her white gloves to wipe along my base boards to make sure they were dust-free!

She asked us questions about our marriage and parenting plans as well as taking a tour of the house. It was simple. Easy. And then it was over.

We finish our profile book and our video for our online profile and after we figure out the stupid fingerprint situation we will be officially paper pregnant.

Then we wait. And we pray. We will hear about situations and have to decide if we want our book to be shown. Pray some more. And then wait to hear if we are chosen. EEkk! Is this really about to happen?!

I am in a little bit of shock that we are here already, and eager to get the last few things finished.

Our caseworker told us that some couples find it hard right after the paperwork is done because they suddenly find themselves with nothing to do. I am not sure this will be a hard thing for us. At least in the beginning. I am excited to feel as though I can be fully head-in-the-game with school work and focusing on having some fun with my hubby!

Thank you all for your encouragement over the past few months, we truly feel as though we have not walked this road alone.

Final home visit tomorrow!!

Phew! I just sat down after a long and busy day. Our re-scheduled home visit is tomorrow afternoon and the house is finally where I want it, all I have left to do is change the sheets in our bedroom and put out clean towels. i just want everything to be fresh and clean, to look lived in but not necessarily smell lived in! ha ha

I don't want to to look like I am trying hard, and she is just going to have to trust that I am a woman who is genuinely excited about the fall color m'n'm's in her candy bowl - because I am, and have been refilling the autumn gorgeousness for the past two weeks. They are not just for her sake.

I cannot believe we are here already. Here being the final home visit. Last night we went to our Babysafe CPR and first aid class which was great. Even J was raving about it. He has been really sick the past few days so I wondered if being alert for three hours in the evening would have been a struggle for him but he really seemed engaged in what was happening. That was the final thing to check off our 'to do' list and now we just have to get our book finished and as soon as our case worker writes her report from our visit tomorrow - usually about two weeks- we can be in the pool. I guess in adoption circles you call it being 'paper pregnant', meaning we are just waiting to be chosen by a birth mother.

Wow!

I am in love with my life right now. This Thanksgiving we will have something beautiful to celebrate. Our journey has not been easy but we are so grateful to have journeyed it with such amazing people. Our families have been wonderful and our friends have really gone above and beyond to love us well. We are truly blessed.

See you on the flip side!

p.s. no, we have not heard any news on our fingerprints but we just heard of a way to get our next sets returned within a couple of weeks so if that's all that is left we'll pay the extra to get them back that way. I am no longer obsessing but still sending up prayers for a miracle they come back accepted and soon!

Happy Halloween

So glad we had some trick-or-treat ers tonight. Not enough to eat all the candy we bought, and sadly I forgot the golden Halloween candy rule of getting candy that you don't like so if it is left over you are not tempted by it...opps. Might have to get J to make it disappear for the sake of my waistline.
Kids in costumes are one of my favourite things, it just makes me smile. And we had the politest children come to our door for candy, so many please and thank yous and no one was greedy. I love that.

It reminded me how much I enjoy where we live. This is a sweet community and on holidays like this it has a really friendly atmosphere.

J is sick, the cold which has been doing the rounds has finally got him and he is in 'man cold' mode. I am really glad that our home visit got moved to Thursday because he would have been out of it and our house would have smelled like sick person. Or at least would have smelled like we hadn't let fresh air in or bad hour out for about 24 hours - Another good thing about the trick or treat ers, forcing us to open the door!!

I am so excited about the interview. I thought I would be nervous, but we love our caseworker and I know she is excited for us, so I know it will go fine.

Hope you are all enjoying the cute costumes and the left over candy - Happy Halloween!

Little blue thoughts

I have been thinking a lot about babies the past few days. I suppose I have been wondering more than thinking; what will our child look like? Will we be able to comfort him when he cries? What will be be for his first Halloween? Will he like to snuggle? Will he think we're funny?!

These thoughts have been a balm to my spirit. My face is smiling. I can't help it. I am already in love. How is that possible? I don't know, but I know that I am. I am not sure if I would feel this attached if we had not gone through miscarriages and faced the reality of very much having this child with me, but whatever the case, I am completely attached, and in love with our baby. The one that we are yet to hold, but that is very much growing in my heart even if he's not growing in my belly.

"He"

It is not an accident that all of my wonderings have a powder blue cloud behind them. I am in love with a baby boy. I believe with my whole heart that the first baby I carried and lost was a boy. I feel as though there is a boy shaped hole in our family, and in my heart.

While we have no guarantees about the gender of the baby we will adopt, I confess it will take some adjustment if we discover we will be having a girl. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have a girl, I cannot wait to read about 'Fancy Nancy' play with crafts and let's be honest, who wouldn't be excited to dress a teeny baby girl?! I can get so excited about all things girly. And I believe one day I will have a daughter, but whenever I start to consider our adoption I always see us bringing home a baby boy. That somehow adoption will complete this circle between us and our son.

Of course our God is a God of mystery and His perfect plan may have us bring home a daughter first, and we would be overwhelmed with gratitude and joy if that were the case, but I just wonder of the little blue thoughts I have been having are not just missing something from the past but also a glimpse of our future? I guess only time will tell.

Honestly, on this grey and gloomy day we have accomplished little. Jeremy is sick and has been on the couch all day poor thing. So I have been catching up on homework and playing nurse maid! I was working on our profile book and we started reminiscing and then talking about the future. Sharing hopes and anticipation about what the year ahead may hold. We both got a little giddy as we imagined our little family growing :)

Lord, I know that you know how this story ends. Please give us endurance as we complete this adoption process and begin our official wait. I feel like we have been waiting forever already. Please help me to be patient and find beauty and joy in the waiting. Prepare our hearts to parent the child you will bring to us, and please be with that child and their birth parents as they journey this hard and courageous road.

Feeling fit

I haven't discussed weight or fitness on this blog in a while but it has been something I have been being very intentional about in the last couple of months. I had tried over and over to start a work out plan but ultimately after a week or two (if that) I would get discouraged. I wanted to see results but if I am honest, I didn't want to work for it.

So I stopped posting about new regiments I had started and was loving because I felt as though writing it was the beginning of the end of my motivation and I would have to write a follow up post every time I stopped.

That said, as my birthday approached this past September my weight had seemed to take on a life of its own and suddenly 160lbs was not that many pounds away, and there was no way I was going to be within 10lbs of my husband - who is seriously the same weight he was when he graduated high school (jerk) Plus, with a birthday approaching there is always a nagging voice asking if I am aging well! I am sure it's a voice heard by most women especially on a birthday - and I like to stare it in the face and say "yes" but this year I wasn't so sure.

I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided enough was enough. I was taking back control.

I know I feel some motivation to get in shape so that I will feel good about myself when we are potentially meeting with birth parents. I want to feel confident and as I looked in the mirror I could no longer pretend that I was ok with how my body looked. I have good self-esteem usually, and do not spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about the way I look but it had got to the point that my weight was coming to mind more that I was used to and that in itself made me certain that the time to make a change had arrived.

I was talking with a friend who was looking and feeling great having lost over 20lbs (now it's over 30lbs!) She showed me a website (and phone app) called myfitnesspal.com which is a free site where you can track your calorie intake and exercise to keep track of what's coming in and what's going out and keeping to your daily limit. I set myself the goal of 1lb loss a week.

It took some getting used to. Some days have been more successful that others but overall it has changed my consumption because I am so aware of what I am eating and I no longer just snack because it comes out of my daily calories.

I am taking a yoga class at school three times a week and while it is not a class that makes you really sweat it is stretching me and getting me up and at school for the 8am start which I think is helpful to get my system up and going in the morning! Plus the brisk walk to and from school is a great and needed addition to my routine.

I have used the gym at school some too - and after I am fully recovered from this loss, probably in a week or less I will be back to that. The exciting thing is that I already see my body changing shape. Not just because of the weight coming off, but because I am increasing my fitness level. Feels so great.

In six weeks I have lost 7lbs. And it really hasn't been that hard at all. I can still have treats but I have to balance that with the other things I eat and do during the day. I have lost between 1 and 1.5lbs each week, right on target.

I have about seven or so pounds to get where I want to be, but if I continue on this track I will get there before the end of the year. Me thinks a fun shopping spree will be on the cards in the new year! It will also be lovely to have a wider selection of trousers to wear day to day. I have a drawer full but currently I am rocking the only two pairs of jeans that fit!

If you are looking for a tool to help you try and remove those extra lbs, you should try that site out. It may not be the thing for everyone, but it has been great for me. I look forward to celebrating the finished weight drop when I get there!! If you do sign up and want a buddy, send me a message and I will email you my user name so we can be fitness buddies (it only shares when you lose lbs, and never tells your weight just FYI!)

And while I would trade my weight-loss for a healthy pregnancy in a heart beat, I am not sad that physically I beginning to feel like myself again. Now if I can only survive the holiday season!!

God's secrets

Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been fairly normal so far. I did let Jeremy convince me not to go to my early yoga class this morning but I got up and out to attend my pre-test study session and then was able to take my french test. I feel thankful that most of the intense physical stuff took place last night so I have not been that uncomfortable today. While it certainly took effort to focus on conjugating french verbs, it was also a welcome distraction!

I think that being obedient in what God was asking of me in this season has been fruitful in easing us through this; taking classes on campus, moving forward with adoption, making marriage a priority to name a few.

I can see that our previous losses happened when my life was pretty empty. I wasn't feeling like I had much purpose or structure to my days. So getting pregnant, being pregnant and ultimately losing pregnancies became a focus. Everything got a little distorted. I am not saying that I wouldn't have walked through grief if I had been busier but I think it may not have consumed me in the way it did.

I don't want to just forget, or just move on, but I do want to continue to find life in my days. This afternoon I spent time with the family I lived with before I got married and found such comfort from being in the house I called home with the people who were my family. The kids showed me halloween costumes and told stories of their days and I was able to be genuinely thankful and happy to be with them.

We went to the harvest party at church which was insane but so fun, and saw so many friends from many different areas of life plus their kids dressed up in the cutest outfits. And yes, the thought crossed my mind, "what would I dress my son/daughter up as?" but it was answered - no, I am not telling you, wait until the first Halloween we are parents and you'll see for yourself - but then I moved on and caught up with friends, made crafts, watched the kids on the inflatable slides and smelled the glorious fresh kettle corn popping away. Man, kids are so lucky!!

So that was my day, which will end with having dinner with Jeremy's cousin. Fun!

Yes, this pregnancy is over, but our life and our dreams of family are not gone. They are ever more vibrant in fact. We trust that this is truly God's preparation for us and we are right in the center of his will. My devotional this morning included this verse, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God". Deuteronomy 29:29 Beautiful.

An inconvenient truth

Every experience God give us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see - Corrie ten Boom

I have been thinking hard about that quote today, in light of the reality that our fifth pregnancy is ending in miscarriage as I write.

I stopped charting months ago, and Jeremy was away on business a lot this month so I have no idea how it even happened, but happen it did. I had been feeling a little strange, but written it of as stress or the start of getting a bug or something. But then I felt a twinge and realised it had been a while since my period has shown its face so I took a test. Honestly I took it to get the possibility out of my head, but low and behold two lines appeared. Pregnant.

Now, that wasn't in the plan.

Jeremy and I both took the news like we had found 25 cents in the cushion cover. It's a pleasant surprise but it's not like it's going to change your life or anything. We got on with life, without expectations that this would end differently than any of our other experiences. We would have been thrilled if it had turned out to be different but we were not ready to grab hold of that possibility so soon.

When the waves of cramping and the spotting started I not only wasn't surprised, I felt some sort of comfort from the predictability. I felt inconvenienced because of a french test tomorrow, and other plans which may now have to be postponed while the physical consequences come to pass. I shed a few tears, but they only appeared when I told Jeremy what was going on and I know that they were more about the pain and discomfort coming my way, they were not attached to a life that for a few weeks may have been growing inside me. They were tears for me, so I feel a little fraudulent even posting about this because while in the past this was devastating news to share, this time feels really different. It is a part of our journey, so it's worth mentioning but I doubt I will be logging this date in any journal to remember in the years to come.
inconvenient
I had forgotten what some of this felt like. I had moved away from the world of peeing on sticks and counting cycle days, and on into the world of writing profiles and waiting to be matched. I am so confused.

In the midst of all this we have had our individual interviews for our adoption, and our home study will be happening on Monday. I can't seem to get my mind to be in both places at once. I can be happy for the adoption and be fully in this process, heart and soul and yet, I can't seem to find the grief that I know should come with this loss. Perhaps it won't come. Perhaps this is just our kiddo stopping by to say hi because he missed us. I missed him too, and I suppose that this loss feels more like an "I'll see you later, mum."

We just got back from south Seattle where I had to go for my biometrics for my green card. More fingerprints - just more high tech ones. Now I am home, and my thoughts turn to revising and preparing for the french test mentioned earlier and then to making the house pretty for Monday's visit by our caseworker, and then way down the list, and quite possibly only making the top 5 because of the physical reminder is this miscarriage.

Strange but true.

While I do not for one minute believe that this loss is a part of God's plan for my life, I can trust that because he allowed it to happen it is preparing us for the story he is writing in our future. What a joy to have trust in a heavenly father who loves us, and wants good things for his children.

It is well with my soul.

Open Adoption Round Table - Being Scared

Open Adoption Roundtable # 31

Please go to this link to read more responses to this prompt.

“Write about Open Adoption and Being Scared”

My heart sank a little but when I read this prompt. I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that "it's all going to be ok" By that I mean that every part of this adoption process scares me.

I am scared that we won't get chosen by a birth mother, and that the waiting will be too much for my marriage. Our desire to have a baby cuts deep.

I am scared that we will get chosen and then the birth mother will change her mind, and I am scared that that will break my heart beyond repair.

I am scared I won't want to hold or bond with our baby for the first few days of its life until he or she is legally ours and that this will affect our attachment forever. I am scared that I will carry regret about that time.

I am scared our child will reject us as a teenager for not being his "real parents".

I am scared that our decision to be open to many different situations will mean that our child will have struggles, and that life won't look the way I dreamed it would and I am scared that I will feel bitter towards my child because of that.

I am scared about each step of this process but I am reminded in the midst of it that my life is not my own and that I am not in this alone. Here on earth I am partnered with J, my soul mate, my love and my best friend. But we are not in this alone either, we are in God's hands. He is the one building our family. He is the one who is holding us up, giving us His strength to do what we cold never do on our own. Our fears can be stilled in the truth that all we are being asked to do is be obedient to His call on our lives.

Some of these fears may be realised in the future, and many of them will not. And while they are good to consider and while it is a good idea to educate ourselves in some areas which may make parenting an adoptive children a little less of a mystery but ultimately we will be entrusted with a little one that God loves more than we ever could, just as loves us. He wants good things for His children and in that my heart can feel some peace from all the fears that can sometimes be screaming loudly.

Wishing us all peace on the journey to our children.

Over scheduled

I feel as though I have not been writing much of any substance on here recently. I am honestly wondering when I had time to fully process any of this stuff and come out the other end with something coherent to share.

I just walked through the door from a CPR class for school and am falling asleep with a heavy heart, knowing tomorrow I am booked up from am to pm. I feel blessed that in the pm I have scheduled in some girl time with one of my besties, but until that it will be go, go, go as it has been.

And it will continue. I cannot remember what I did before we started this adoption process, Seriously. I am going to have been at the doctors 5 times in two weeks by the time next Tuesday arrives. Different medical requirements, x-rays and blood work to ensure I am healthy. Which I am, thank the Lord, except for a nasty cold reared its head and which I do not have time for!

We also have those interviews, one of which is at our home so it is not going to fly to just run the vacuum around. I actually need to open and empty the dishwasher which is sort of clean, and has been that way for about 2 weeks. J made a final attempt to fix it and ran it, but it didn't really fix it and so the semi clean dishes are in their waiting for someone to rescue them. I am ignoring their cries. actually I am not ignoring them, but the whirring sound I make as I go room to room crossing things off my list drowns them out! ha ha

I guess it is just a season of putting my head down and getting things done. I cannot keep this pace. I have to keep my planner with me at all times because I have so much on the calendar that I cannot forget. Special mention here goes to my appointment to go and get biometrics for my Green card. Yes, more fingerprints, but these are on a machine and they seem to be acceptable. Still no word on the other fingerprints. Prays still appreciated for a miracle in that area. Especially because I have 0 time to get downtown to get another set for about 3 months. Ok, I could squeeze it in the next week or two probably, but I really do not want to have to.

Wow, woe is me huh? Seriously, snap out of it Mrs B. Friends please forgive me for my absence in your life. It is not personal and I look forward to resuming a sense of normality soon. And then I am looking forward to sharing life with you once we get our baby and life gets crazier than we could ever imagine!

It's all worth it. It's all worth it. It's all worth it. Repeat. Eat a cookie and then repeat.

Shoot, just remembered something I did not write down...need to go and write an email before I fall asleep. Wonderful sleep. Goodnight all.

Another step closer

Today I had my physical for our adoption, I have to go back after fasting to get a couple of blood tests but otherwise I guess I am in tiptop shape. Good enough condition to adopt a baby anyhow!

So now it's just a question of waiting for our interviews next week, and the week after to be so close to being done I can almost taste it!

Of course the few bits and pieces we have left are the really important ones. Read, intimidating! We both have to write letters to the prospective birth parents which I know will take some serious thought and prayer. As well as finishing off our profile book which will be a fabulous weight off our shoulders. It was originally a fun sounding project but the realisation hit that this book will be the only opportunity we get to introduce ourselves and are lives to the birth parents, the task became a bit more daunting.

We have also enlisted J's sisters help to make our video to go on our online profile. That should be fun to figure out! I don't even like to hear my voice on a voice-mail, I can imagine it will be a little tortuous to have to sign off on a video which will be posted out on the world wide web - especially one that is supposed to make a birth parent chose us as they make the adoption plan for their child.

Ho hum, the things we do - but it in not in vain. It is a part of our journey. And we are trying to continue to embrace the small victories the lists completed and enjoy the time we have together to learn how to be better spouses, and even to read a book (or seven) about parenting.

We took care of our favourite 13 month old for the afternoon yesterday. He was feeling a little under the weather and extra snuggly but we had some sweet moments with him. We sat on our bed as J was packing for a work trip and Tommy was happily chirping away. J and I shared a look. A look that said, 'It will all be worth it in the end, when these moments get to be a part of our lives day to day'.

I know it will not always be sweet moments, but we can;t wait for the whole package. Each thing crossed off the list is another step closer to our family growing. And that is worth celebrating!

Thankful for marriage

Finally dug my boots out for the season and my feet are cozy. Tonight I wrapped up warm, pulled on my boots
It has not been an easy week in our house. We have let the stress get to us. We have not been the best versions of ourselves. but tonight we shook of the days gone by, dressed up real purty, or at least I did and we went on a date. Out to dinner and then to watch a friend play music in Kirkland.
As we are saving for our adoption, we have cut back on all non-essentials. For me that means no lattes on my walk home from school and being a more conscious grocery shopper and for us it means eating out has become a rarity. Not that we ever ate out often, but if we were out running errands and it was lunchtime or dinner time we didn't think twice about grabbing something to eat. Now we make the choice to come home and use the food we have already bought. All that so say, it has made going out to eat a real treat. Something worthy of fixing my hair and putting on a cute outfit.

We didn't go anywhere fancy, no use scrimping to blow it at the herb garden, but we went to a fun pub with a great atmosphere, a gorgeous view of the water and great food. It felt good to stop.

Be together; talking, laughing, dreaming. Remembering all the things in our lives we have to be thankful for, especially one another!

Fireplaces on...

It's that time of year. We put it off until we could no longer stand it but tonight we caved and turned on the pilot lights in our fireplaces so we could fire them up. Oh how I have missed them.

It makes the book reports I have to write for the adoption much more enjoyable! Now I am snuggled and warm my fingers are no longer freezing off as I type!

Hot soup and crusty bread filling my belly - soon to be joined by hot apple cider. Head full of dreams about our baby and a smile on my face I can't seem to shake.

Ok, nuff distraction, back to the reports...we're coming baby, we're coming!

FOUND!!

If you read my post from Tuesday you might have seen a melt down coming. I guess as I re-read my words, I can hear the anxiety and pressure mounting in my own voice. About 20 minutes after I posted it the dam broke and I collapsed into a heap of tears.
The tipping point came when I mentioned our missing paperwork for the tenth time in two minutes and my lovely hubby told me, in a very calm way, "We'll have to just wait and see if it turns up there is nothing we can do about it."

I mean, how dare he try and comfort me. How dare he try and share this burden, what a jerk! He even made dinner for us, seriously what did I do to deserve someone like this?

Ok, kidding over, what did I do to deserve someone like this? He is my true partner in life. I know I am blessed, even when my tired puffy eyes are swollen shut and can't see it.

My new school schedule and especially the added class load were weighing me down. I have to, once again, realise that my school commitments mean I cannot do everything I used to. And admitting I need some help around the house to keep up with laundry and dishes (oh, yes our dishwasher also just died, following behind our fridge - trust me, I KNOW!)

Somewhere in me I feel that because we are not building our family in the conventional way, and have no 'easy' options to have a child we should be cut some slack as we try and make this happen. I know that is not the truth of the Christian life. And I am trying to stay faithful in my thoughts surrounding our adoption and not let fear or sorrow overwhelm me.

It was our monthly foster/adoption meeting at our church last night a (we headed out after my meltdown)The topic we learned about and discussed was the grief and loss surrounding adoption. It couldn't have been timed better as I recognised my melt down was another piece of my own grief. "It shouldn't be like this, we shouldn't have all this stress and paperwork and forms and medicals just to be parents." And that is something I am still grieving.

But this process, including the paperwork is where we are at. This is our story. Some days it is easier to embrace.

I know that my fear over all the "if's" of adoption had been building. In recent months, I know we have felt the Lord guiding our hearts towards adoption but I feel as though my prayers asking for things have lessened. After our losses, I stopped asking for the deepest things of my heart. My prayers had not been answered in the way I wanted, and God's willingness to give us the desires of our heart felt far away.

And then our papers went missing. I was angry, and felt alone. I wanted to ask God to find them, but for days I just worried about them, fingers crossed they'd show up.

Then I caught myself. Why haven't I asked? And suddenly and overwhelming sense of peace came. I just knew the papers would turn up. So I prayed and I asked others to pray and this morning I received an email from our case worker that she had them and everything could go ahead as planned with our interviews. I am so thankful. This answer to prayer was exactly what I needed. We are not alone in this process. We are not alone in our grief, and God is a God of miracles.

If I can see his hand in finding missing a missing envelope, I know we can trust him in our bigger requests; in the situations surrounding and affecting our child.

Thank you for praying with us.

What's for Dinner Wednesday - Hearty Vegetable-Smoked Sausage Soup

Another Cooking Light triumph. Love this.
Continuing to embrace the fall weather and the glory of the crock pot! This soup lives up to its name, it's hearty and full of veggies. So good. It is a day long affair to cook it but coming home to this delicious soup ready to eat makes even the chilliest winds and wettest rains fade into a distant memory.

Ingredients
1 (14-ounce) package low-fat smoked sausage cut into 1/4-inch-think slices
2 3/4C cubed peeled baking potato
1/2 (10 ounce)package angel hair slaw (about 4 Cups)
2 cups chopped onion
1 Cup sliced carrot
1 1/3 cups diced celery
1 C frozen cut green beans
1 (16-ounce) can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
4 (14-ounce) cans less-sodium beef broth
1/4 Cup chopped fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon dried Thyme
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
1 (14.5-ounce) can diced tomatoes with basil, garlic, and oregano, undrained

Directions
1. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add sausage, saute 8 minutes or until lightly browned.
2. Layer potato and next 6 ingredients in the slow cooker. Top vegetable mixture with sausage. Combine beef broth and next 5 ingredients pour over sausage mixture. Cover and cook on LOW for 10 hours or until vegetables are tender. (10 servings of 1 1/2 Cups)

Prayers please, I am going crazy!

So that 'peace like a river' I keep singing about has been flowing right past me the past few days.
We are having a nightmare trying to return the first couch and ottoman set we bought, the couch that literally snapped when J sat on it. They did come and pick that up the broken couch yesterday afternoon having given me a 6 hour window when they might show up, seriously? But then they wouldn't take the ottomans because they were not defective. Clearly everything was made from cheep materials, and we don't want them - it was bought as a set. So just come and take it back already. I am so fed up, and do not have it in me to nicely explain myself to another customer service rep to get it cleared up. We have been dealing with the company we bought it from, and the vendor who actually made it, and the shipper and that people, is just far too many people to coordinate when everyone is telling you something different!! Aargh. Finally J just said he would deal with it, he can be much more forceful than me, and I pity anyone who tries to get one over on him.

This just adds to the rest of the long list of things to be stressed about.

Most importantly, and you can please pray for us if you think of it, we sent off a lovely envelope of forms and paperwork for the adoption last week. A whole week ago and they have not yet received it. It should have taken a day to get there. I am afraid it got lost, which is bad for two reasons, firstly, it will mean pushing back everything if we have to fill out all that paperwork again, and honestly, I am overwhelmed with my increased school load, and J is out of town a ton in the coming weeks so I have no idea when we would even be able to fill it out again. And secondly, it has a bunch of our personal information on it and I would not want that to be out there for someone to find and use against us, all we need is stolen identities to figure out. Please pray it shows up soon.

And we have interviews scheduled for the adoption scheduled which would be tricky to reschedule with our schedules and we have an appointment soon to go and get biometrics done for my Green card. We have something every day for a few weeks, and the thought is making me crazy.

Please pray that we can find peace in the midst of the crazy, and endurance to get all the necessary t's crossed and i's dotted for this adoption and my immigration, and that we can find some joy in the midst of it - and maybe time to eat and/or sleep too. That would be good. And just in case you forgot please pray for that paperwork to show up.

Promise of New Life

We have probably all fallen in to the familiarity trap during worship time at church. You know the songs and the message of the words become less powerful with each verse you sing.

I love to sing, I love a time of singing worship to express my heart to the Lord. I am glad that he loves my singing voice, but sadly it is not so appreciated here on earth! I am self conscious of my singing in most other situations but in church when we sing together I can belt it out without any feelings of being watched or judged. Eyes closed, it's just me and Jesus, a daughter singing praise and glory to her heavenly father.

I have written multiple posts about the song 'I surrender' and the place it has in my heart for being used by God to truly allow me to submit to Hid greater plans for my life. Before I was married I could barely choke out the words about giving up my dreams, because I had a fear that God had no plans for me to be married and if I voiced that I had surrendered to Him, I would be accepting my fate as a singleton. If that had been Gods plan for life, I trust he would have changed my heart, or walked very closely with me through life. I believe God used that song to bring to a place of gentle submission. I began to trust his bigger plan, and found peace.

And it was a long few years of continued submission to that grander plan before Jeremy came along. And what a gift. He was totally worth the wait. God's grander plan was best.

In more recent times, I have sung that song pregnant. I have sung that song, surrendering to God's plan, hopeful that that would mean a healthy pregnancy and a baby. I have sung that song during a miscarriage, feeling heave that surrendering to his plans was allowing him the space to bring healing, and overall I felt as though surrendering to His plans was a painful idea of never having a baby.

So as the familiar chords rang out this morning and the words just poured off my tongue I suddenly heard God's voice. "This is my promise to you"

What, Lord?

Then my husband who was leading worship sang out,

"I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life"

New life. Yes we have new life in Him but today those words held a different meaning. We can lay down our plans, surrendering to God because he has promised us a new life, a child.
It gave me chills. I can not do much more that surrender it all as we enter our adoption process. I cannot control if our fingerprints are accepted, I can only go through the process until they accept me. I have no control over when the rest of our home study stuff will get processed, that;s up to our social worker. I http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifhave no control or say over how long before we will be chosen by a birth mother, I have no idea who she will be or what her story is, I just have to trust that God is connecting our lives for a reason. But I can trust Him that this path is preparing us for the gift of parenthood and all the joys and challenges that along with that.

The promise of new life. Suddenly, this is my favourite song. No longer associated with grief and loss and pain, but speaking truth about the hope and joyful anticipation for the child we will one day call our own.

In case you don't know the song, or perhaps if you just need to hear it today here is a link to the song, I surrender by Marc James.

Simple Joys

It's been a great start to the weekend in our house. J had a follow up at the doctors this morning. As part of our adoption home study medical we have to have a TB test, so he had to go ad get the results of his. He's fine of course but now the adoption peeps will know that. Happy to get that crossed off the list.

Then we had to go and pick up our new couch and love seats from the store. This is new couch 2.0 because the first one we bought was really bad quality - about 8 seconds after we had put the last couch together J sat on it and the wooden bottom snapped! It was so funny for about five minutes, and then we realised we would have to return it all and start over again on our couch hunt. Boo. But we ended up with a lovely couch and now it's here we are enjoying having the room put together, and snuggling up on it!

I also got out the fall decorations and the house is slowly becoming a haven for pumpkins everywhere! It was a good day. Nothing particularly grand happened but sometimes a regular day is just what my heart needs. The simple joys of life can sometimes get lost under the busyness, but today they shone brightly through. As I said, it was a good day :)

What's for Dinner Wednesday - African Sweet Potato Stew with Red Beans

Fall is well and truly with us, and I for one am a huge fan! This was my first stew of the season, and will be something that will certainly be repeated on the cold wet days ahead.
The warm flavours of the potato and the peppers balanced with the tang of the lime juice and the crunch of the peanuts makes this tasty treat a keeper.
The ease of sticking things in the crock pot and letting them do their thing while you get on with your day is always appealing, and this is a simple and delicious dish to add to your crock pot repertoire. Thank you again, Cooking Light!



Ingredients

2 tsp olive oil
1 1/2 C chopped onion (I just used one medium onion)
1 garlic clove, minced
4 C (1/2 inch) cubed peeled sweet potato (about 1.5 lbs)
1 1/2 C cooked small red beans (I just used one 14.5-oune can of red beans, rinsed)
1 1/2 C vegetable broth
1 C chopped red bell pepper (I just used one small pepper)
1/2 C water
1 teaspoon grated peeled fresh ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 (14.5-ounce) can diced tomatoes drained (I just threw the whole can in, juice and all)
1 (4.5-ounce) can chopped green chiles, drained (again I just threw it all in)
3 tablespoons creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons chopped dry roasted peanuts
6 lime wedges to squeeze on top.

Directions

1. Heat oil in a non stick skillet over medium heat. Add onion and garlic, cover and cook 5 minutes or until tender.

2. Place onion mixture in a crock pot. Add sweet potato and the next 10 ingredients (through chiles). Cover and cook on LOW 8 hours or until vegetables are tender.

3. Spoon 1 Cup of cooking liquid from the crock pot into a small bowl. Add the peanut butter and stir well with a whisk or a fork. Stir peanut butter mixture into stew. Serve stew in bowls, (makes 6 servings of 1 1/3 Cups) add 1 1/2 tsp of chopped peanuts to each bowl and squeeze the lime juice on top.

Eat, and oh my goodness you won't be sorry you did!

Humbled

I am overwhelmed. Humbled. So very thankful for the kinds words expressed after yesterdays post. While I truly appreciate your words, please know that they were not solicited. I truly have the most sensitive, sweet pregnant friends an infertile girl could ask for. I was simply sharing my struggle to face some of the ugliness that continues to rise up in me surrounding my own inability to carry a pregnancy.

As autumn comes, and the trees are stripped bare I relate to their nakedness. I feel exposed. I have chosen not to pretend I am all roses and smiley faces. Sometimes its hard, I feel as though God is stripping back my life. Revealing my heart. Exposing those dark places where I refuse to surrender to him, where I hold grudges and where I cannot accept that His plans are better than my own.

In the hard times I remember his grace is sufficient. It covers me. Until I can emerge on the other side, clothes in green leaves of joy and hope and love. I know that time will come. I know that this time of refining is for my own good but it reveals some ugly that's hard to embrace.

This new season also includes Zumba and kickboxing classes. Who knew that was on the cards? New season, new you. Let's hope that's true.

Bear with me

I'm feeling torn. Torn because life isn't simple. Torn because in the midst of all that is good in my life, there continues to be a hole in my heart carved by our lost babies, and a wound that bleeds with tears about the way life 'should' have been.

Days like yesterday are good. At the core of my being I heard the message about being true and present, convicted about embracing the moment and I took it in. I want to change the way I think about my life, but truthfully living in the now does not eliminate the grief, loss and anger about our infertility.

I have to chose to surrender these feelings to God daily. I know that only He can heal my heart, and I imagine that it will be a healing that takes a long time, perhaps it will never fully go away. I am reminded every day of my shortcomings. My inability to fully reflect the joy of Christ to the world. I trust in His words; that God can heal my heart, and be my comfort, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation” 2 Cor. 1:3-4.

I hope that this healing will begin to transform my heart in the deep places that I try to keep hidden. I am struggling to know how to be good a friend right now, especially struggling to be a good friend to my pregnant friends. At a distance I can send honest congratulations, but hearing about morning sickness and aches and pains of growing bellies hits hard and does not produce the feelings of sympathy and a desire to ease their suffering. I know it 'should' and if I was in a different head or heart space I think it would.

I want to be the friend who genuinely feels compassion for them, but my jealousy, bitterness and deep longing cannot be overthrown that easily. I want to be the friend who offers to take them soup and care for their older children so mama-to-be can get some rest. I want to be that friend, but I am not. Instead of reaching out, I turn inward. I search for those lost feelings of care and love and I pray in earnest for them to come to the surface. I pray that God will transform my heart to look more like his, and for me to have the strength to be the person I was created to be, and love in the way I was created to love.

I do what I can and then I sit and wait. Weak in my own strength, and desperate for the healing touch of the God of all comfort. Searching hard to find the beauty in the confusion. Letting the feeling of being torn make me stronger and not less. Embracing the present, the good, the bad and the ugly. Jumping into the uncomfortable, and hoping I'll find a soft spot to land.

It's a messy life but I trust it will eventually make me a better person, and more importantly a more genuine reflection of Christ. Bear with me friends, there is a lot of work to be done.

One week down

Phew, week one of school down. Week one of school plus 2lbs. Awesome bonus!

I have started moving more, waking to and from school, it's not even that much but clearly enough to kick start getting rid of these last 10-15lbs that have taken up residence post marriage and cumulatively after the miscarriages.

I am feeling good about the fact that by the end of the year I should be almost there. By the holidays I should at least be feeling more party dress ready, although because of holiday season I will have to be very disciplined o keep that party dress figure!

Fall has arrived in Seattle and the cooler weather and the pumpkins have made me rediscover the joy of being in my kitchen; today my slow cooker is bubbling, cookies are baking, and random other leftovers were converted into something edible and it all happened with a spring in my step. I have been diligently house-wifeing since about noon and am now sitting down feeling very accomplished and eager to reap the benefits of today's hard work in the week ahead.

I am looking forward to Monday. School has continued to be a good balance of stretching and do-able. It is actually quite an adjustment just to have to be somewhere everyday. I know that might sound crazy, but it has literally been years since that has been the case for my schedule. I have kept myself busy in those years and had some consistent commitments but having to be in class every day at a certain time will continue to be an adjustment over the quarter.

The early mornings have also allowed me to keep on track with homework and my online class. But I am realising that I do not have the option to be as social during the day as I have been. I just have to understand that my time is more limited, and that I need to plan less or at least differently if I want to feel as though I am not stretched too thin.

This morning in church our pastor referenced Jim Elliot's quote "wherever you are be all there." This really sums up my mind set right now.

My hearts desire is to be a stay at home mum. I want my day to be full of playdates, and making yummy baby food, and watching our child grow and discover the world. But, and this is a big but I am not there yet. I believe that God will bless our lives with a child and we will get to truly live the dream in that way one day but for now I have an amazing life and I would be missing something wonderful if I day-dreamed it all away. Or if I was looking ahead instead of seeing what was in front of me.

I want to embrace this season, which means less time to see girlfriends during the week while I fully commit to studying and doing my best in school. It means more intentionality and planning to maintain relationships. Perhaps this means more plans in the evening. I like that idea [Sidenote: last night J and I went to friends for dinner and I loved having a reason to change out of sweatpants, put on a nice shirt, makeup and fix my hair, so clearly a little more grown up hanging out would be a welcome addition to my fall schedule!]

In my first week of school I met a few women that I am eager to get to know more over the course of the quarter. I have felt better physically and seen that being out of the house for longer periods of time means that I snack less, and have to be more intentional about making good meals and snacks to eat on the run.

I want to be fully present. I want to be here. Right where God has me. This was not how I would have planned it but I am seeing the beauty of where I am.

As we continue our adoption paperwork we are aware that one day our lives will be turned upside down in a wonderful way. We will be shaken out of this particular season of life and I want to make sure we don't miss anything in the meantime.

So this is me. Seizing the day, eyes open to all it has to offer. If this is where you want me Lord, I look forward to uncovering all you have for me.

Back in the Saddle...or the classroom

Yesterday mark my first day back in the classroom. I have been in school for the past year taking online courses with some interaction with other students but this quarter I am in class every day. It's a little bit of an adjustment. But so far so good!

I am taking a French class every day and a yoga class three days a week so that gives my days some structure, something which I have been so desperate for. My earliest class is at 8am so I am getting used to getting up and going for a purpose beyond not being a slob.

It is so strange to be back in a classroom environment, especially because the last time I was there I knew everyone I was in class with. This time I am with a room full of strangers. I was nervous I would stick out like a sore thumb, an old sore thumb but luckily there is a lot of diversity on the campus and it is represented in my classes.

The stirring of my heart continues with regards to the conference we participated in this weekend. We have not come to any conclusions, and so we are continuing on the path we are on towards domestic infant adoption but are keeping our hearts open to God's leading. If he wants us to change direction I know he'll confirm it.

I reveling in the new challenge this quarter is offering. I'm enjoying feeling pushed out of my comfort zone. Stretched a little. Having something to focus on besides our infertility. The knowledge that we have a baby on the way 'someday' has given me my mojo back. I had lost my reason for a while, and it made studying a real pain. I started school thinking I would soon be pregnant and home with an infant and needing to have an outlet for a few hours a week where I got to be with adults and think about something other than being a mum.

That assumption seems stupid now, and at the least naive. It's one year and three miscarriages since I started and we were without a baby. When we made the decision to adopt school suddenly took on more purpose. I wasn't our kids to believe in education. I want to be an example of that to them. However, now I am desperate to complete my AA degree so that if an when we are blessed with a baby I can devote as much time as possible just holding him or her. I know that being away from our baby will be so hard. After all the waiting and hoping and dreaming that's been going on, and will continue until they are in our arms, I will both be wanting to spend endless hours just being home, being mummy. Perhaps the novelty of that will ware off after a while, but I know I want to feel as though I am making a choice about my time, rather than having my hand forced with a school schedule.

I am beginning to think a year from now would be the perfect time for us to have a baby...But I hear God laughing at my blatant assumption that because I determine it is the right time it is His plan. We have fully surrendered to His timing in adding to our family, but this girl has a hard time not making plans anyway. At least I have homework to keep me busy!

Wait no more

On Saturday, J and i went with two other families from our church to an event called, Wait not more. It was something put on by Focus on the Family and is something they do all over the US to highlight the numbers of legal orphans in the foster system, and call the church to action to care for them.

It was an amazing event and we are both still reeling from the things we heard and the way God might be leading us.

In WA state, as of August 20110 there are over 1500 legal orphans, kids living in foster care just waiting for families for families to adopt them because their biological parents have had their parental rights terminated.

There are over 5000 churches in WA state. 5000 building full of people who claim Jesus as their savior, who have been adopted themselves into the family of Christ. "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27
We believe that right? So what do we do with that. That verse doesn't say anything about this only applying if you have had struggles with infertility, this is across the board something we are asked to do.

Please don;t hear me saying that adoption is something we should do without thought or prayer. I believe that adoption is truly a calling but I wonder if perhaps there are people who are simply not listening or responding to that call. It is not an easy choice to make, it's not a guarantee of an easy life for sure but might be something that God is asking you to do as his adopted child. At this conference there were lots of different speakers sharing their stories and experiences, a women who had been taken out of her mothers custody after sexual abuse by her mother boyfriend and who lived in foster care for a while before being adopted at age 6, another women with a similar story who was adopted with her siblings at age 11 - so often siblings are split up because there are not homes available for them to stay together. This just breaks my heart. All the loss these kids have suffered and now they lose the only family they have left.

Then we heard from an adoptive father, an adoptive mother and a women who was a biological child in a home where her parents fostered and eventually adopted. I loved her perspective about the way her faith was challenged and transformed by learning to love these kids who had no one else to love them and how much richer her and her biological siblings lives were because of the home they had and the love they saw displayed by their parents.

As we left the conference, J and I were already questioning our decision to adopt an infant. Our home could fit siblings, could our hearts? Is that what God is asking of us? Could our hearts be open to older kids? Kids that have hurt and pain and may have experiences abuse or neglect by those who were supposed to love them.

Then we went to dinner with our friends and their 5 month old who had been adopted by them at birth. It was so special to see them parent him, so wanted and such a gift in theri lives. Talking about how he is starting to recognise them and hear about the milestones he is reaching. We got to see their adoption story unfold - it was super fast, abnormally so. We will very likely be waiting a long time. And while we are waiting there are legally free children also waiting. We are waiting for a baby and they are waiting for a family. I just can't get my head around that.

I have no idea what God is doing, I am not sure if this is His plan for our family today or in the future. I am afraid to change course, but equally afraid of not doing so if that is the road that will lead us to our family.

I know this is a real issue, but I want to be sure that we continue to make our decision based on prayer and not just emotion. Let's be honest, I browse the 'waiting children' list and dissolve into tears, convinced it is my job to bring them all home. When I know that is not God;s plan. I know that J and I both want to be open to all God has, but use discernment to make sure we are not just doing something because it seems like the 'right' or 'Christian' thing to so. We serve a good and faithful God who wants us to be confident in Him. Any decision we make will go with us for ever, these children will be fully ours and we want to make certain that we have God's words of confirmation to come back to when hard times come.

The kept seeing these pictures of sibling groups and just imagining them in Christmas PJ's with J and I in the background as our Christmas picture. Which is all a fun fantasy until I realise that if we did decide to go down this road, that could actually be our reality next Christmas, and then it seems ridiculous.

We have a lot to think and pray about. Are we ready to let go of having a baby? Are we even being asked to? Lots of questions, and possibilities. My head hurts.

And tomorrow I start my fall quarter with an 8am class. I guess I should get my back pack ready!

Hope you all had a great weekend

First official Mummy purchase

I know, I know, it's really too early, we are not even done with our home study yet but I was buying something on Amazon and needed something to get me over $25 for free shipping. I wonder if J will buy that excuse? All this paper work stuff is fine and dandy but I don't want to miss out on enjoying any of the anticipation that growing your family come with so I gave in.

Now, because I am afraid the waiting for a baby will be so painful with a fully kitted out nursery I am not going to go crazy. When we do complete our home study will start researching our car seat and crib/mattress/sheets etc but our purchasing will end there until that baby is in our arms.

I was talking to my friend Lindsey and she suggested that I make a list and a design for a girl nursery and one for a boy nursery and after we have our little one she is convinced our friends would want to help make those plans come to be while J and I fight over who holds the baby! That is actually the carrot I am dangling in front of myself to get the paper work done. I think I have been dreaming about my nursery even longer than I was about my wedding, ha ha.

In Home study news, we have sent off our personal reference forms to be filled out and returned and have completed a few pieces of paper that just needed to be read and signed. There probably won't be many exciting things to update on the adoption front for a while, this paperwork thing will take a little while so I will spare you the details. I think it might be more boring to red about paper work than to read about paint drying.

Now where was I? That's right, my first mummy purchase. If you know me, you will have realised how much I love my kitchen so it only seems right that our children will reap the fruits of my labor in that area too so I bought a cook book called, Love in Spoonfuls.

I can't wait to cook for our babes, but until then I have lots of time to practice some of these recipes on our friends kids!